Oye.

I feel like a pile of steaming dog poo. I felt this way with Ethan too, and it didnt go away by the second trimester, but weeks after. Like around 20 weeks, belch. Even though I feel like crap Im not wishing time forward, just wishing this feeling of puke-constantly-in-my-throat to go away. That would be nice! It is making me feel like a bad mom because all I want to do is lay down and all E wants to do is run, and play and be crazy. We're making it work, but not without effort. Go away pukey chest, go away! And while Im wishing, I would like it to be Monday. I want to know there is a healthy heartbeat in there, I NEED to know everything is progressing the way it should, the way it didn't last time. Finding out how many are in there is just a bonus.

Jason almost killed me yesterday

with his words. :0| Me being, well... me, I starting thinking about the possibilities if it were twins. I was telling Jason that if it were twins there would probably be a good chance of bed rest toward the end, and if that happened what about Ethan? I said I could handle the morning and 'do' as little as needed and then he is usually home by 3 or so and he could take over from there. (Ethan goes down for a nap around 11:30 and wakes around 2:30-3) Jason said no, if I were on bed rest he'd want me to do just that, REST. He was sure his mom could come up and say with us as long as needed. .::dies::. No, no, no. NO. That would not be restful, or helpful, the woman drives me bonkers after about 3 hours in the house. Oye. Pray for no bed rest, twins or not!

Added a poll

Just for fun! :0) I should get my second betas back tomorrow too, Im excited about that! Hopefully another indication that everything is progressing normally!

I'm back :0)

There was no heartbeat, but it is still early for that. I guess it starts beating between 5w 5d and 6w 2d, so she said probably in the next 24-72 hours the heart should start to beat. She had a really hard time seeing anything, after probing for a while she finally saw a yolk sac, so she was confident that the baby was in my uterus, so that is great! Though really, she couldn't get a good view because my uterus is so tilted and my bowel was in the way. (she kept knocking me in the stomach trying to move things around, which at the very end worked just enough that she was fairly sure she saw a yolk sac.) She said at one point she thought she saw two sacs (twins!) but she doesn't know. LOL So I need another u/s at some point, maybe next week. My midwife is suppose to be calling me back with my betas from yesterday, and that's where we're at! So, so far so good! Thank goodness!!

UPDATE: Just talked to my midwife and we scheduled another u/s for Feb 1st to look for a heart beat and do a final head count! Haha Also my beta yesterday was 8981 and here is American Pregnancy's chart for the numbers-

• 5 weeks LMP: 18 - 7,340 mIU/ml
• 6 weeks LMP: 1,080 - 56,500 mIU/ml

So in the normal range!

She's a little worried about it being an ectopic pregnancy, so I have an ultrasound tomorrow morning at 9am. I had bloodwork done today for everything then have to go back again for just the beta on Friday or Saturday. So we'll see what happens. She said most likely we wont see a heartbeat tomorrow, but they are just looking for location right now, but I would most likely have another u/s early next week looking for the heartbeat specifically. Im trying not to worry, we'll know more in the morning.

I other news Ethan got his first hair cut today! He looks like such a big boy. :0(

Today is my first appt!

Typically boring, I know, but I'm still excited yet quite nervous at the same time. I had scant bleeding on Monday and HORRIBLE cramping Saturday. Im talking stop what your doing, doubled over, can't breathe, cramping. I'm hoping with that, the previous m/c that my body didn't catch and with how long we'd been trying she'll order an u/s. I just need to know everything is on track, that we'll looking good for this point in the game. I hope we can get some sort of re-assurance, that would be so nice.
After the appt we are planning to take Ethan to the Aquarium, he loves it there and we havent taken him in a while. My appt is at 3:30 and the aquarium closes at 5, so I hope we can make it! I'll update when I can! :0)

So different

So I was thinking about the different feelings I have with this pregnancy than I did with the previous one (the miscarriage). While I was over the moon to be pregnant last time, I was so worried about Ethan, how would he take it? Would he feel betrayed? Less loved? Those feelings just panged me with pain and guilt. Realistically I knew he would be fine, but I worried so, so much. This time I am so at peace with it, I know there will be a struggle while adjusting (for all of us!), but Im not worrying anymore and it is a wonderful feeling! Im also not in a rush, Im content being 4 weeks pregnant, Im in no hurry. With Ethan I couldn't wait to get to the finish line, this time I want to enjoy every second before we get there. This could be the lat time I am pregnant and I want to relish it and soak it all in. Im enjoying the here and now and it's a good place to be!

Better??

This was taken this morning at 16 DPO, I love how the line is now darker than the control!! I really wanted to take another after how faint the last line was but I went to visit my mom for 5 days and didn't want to take any tests, so this morning was the earliest I could do it. It makes me giddy happy! I'm pregnant!!

June revisited

So I went back to when I found out I was pregnant the second time, before we knew that something was wrong, before our world was turned upside down. While it wasn't the last time I would be pregnant, I still plan to do the same thing this time as I set out to do last time and didn't have the chance. So excited for the journey! Here is the entry from June-

Is to not rush things and truly enjoy it all. With Ethan I was so excited for the next step, once we got there I barely took time to enjoy it till I couldn't wait for the next big thing! This could be the last time I'm ever 3 weeks pregnant, (4 tomorrow!) and I want to just enjoy each day for what it is. I want 3 kids, Jason thinks he wants only 2, so only time will tell if this is indeed my last pregnancy. I'm not saying that I won't look forward to the 2nd trimester, or movement, or showing or any of those wonderful things, but I don't want to be fixated and stuck in the "I can't wait for X" mode, I want to be about the here and now!
More importantly though, I want to enjoy every. single. second. I have alone with Ethan, this is such a special time and I want to freeze time and just hold him... if he'll let me! I worry how this will all affect him, but I believe that just knowing we are going to have to be extra sensitive to his needs and shower extra love on him once this baby gets closer and after s/he arrives will help him the most. I think he'll do awesome and we're just over thinking everything, like usual.


And here is the poem that chokes me up and leaves me in tears every time.

Loving Two

I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: how could I ever love another child as I love you?

Then he is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as you’ve never shared me before.

I hear you telling me in your own way, “Please love only me”. And I hear myself telling you in mine, “I can’t”, knowing, in fact, that I never can again.

You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again.

But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I’m afraid to let you see me enjoying him, as though I am betraying you.

But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.

More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast.

But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two. There are new times – only now, we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other.

I watch how he adores you – as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of his new accomplishments. And I begin to realize that I haven’t taken something from you, I’ve given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you.

I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong. And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you – only differently.

And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know you’ll never share my love. There’s enough of that for both of you – you each have your own supply.

I love you – both. And I thank you both for blessing my life. Author Unknown

:0)

Do you see that?!?! If not, it's okay, it's SUPER faint but I promise, it is there!!! I got an even more faint line yesterday at 9 DPO, please let this be our sticky baby!!!

Look what I just ordered!!

Yahoo!!! I just ordered the SB 900 and got it for free! SOO pumped! I logged into my bank account and realized my credit card points were going to expire, like today. LOL So I redeemed them for a speedlite! So cool, and SO unexpected! My learning curve just went from a normal mountain to Everest, but I'm still excited to continue learning and to be able to add something else in when needed. This thing is going to be great, especially during this dark dreary winter!

WooHoo!!!

I think I might have just gotten a PT job as a photographer!!!!! The hours are in the evening, so no childcare needed.

Backstory- I was in the mall one day and there was a guy handing out fliers for a studio he was opening up, I told him I wasnt interested in a flier, but we ended up talking. I said I was getting into photography and had an aspiration of one day opening my own business. Well he asked about what and how I shoot etc. and I told him Im TOTALLY just starting out, but told him about where I'd like to be, and the type I'd like to do. (lifestyle) He asked for my info and said he would like to offer me a job as one of their photographers once he opens the studio, that there is all on site training, equipment is provided, etc. Great! I gave him my info. This was like August I think. Never heard from him. So I figured he found someone else, that needed less training, whatever.

Well he called today!! Said he saved my info all these months cause he thinks I would be a good fit. It is PT but that is perfect. They closed on their lease for the studio yesterday, they have some set up to do I'll go in and go through all my paperwork with him and the other photographer in 1-2 weeks. Hope this works out, it would be so nice to have some extra money and be doing something I love and getting more experience without leaving Ethan with anyone! WOOT!

This would be great for paying off debt, depending on the pay (and when I get pregnant) we may be able to pay off all debt except the mortgage before a second baby would arrive. 9 months from now may be cutting it close, but if it takes us longer to get pregnant then that'll give us more time. :0) Hopefully I like it, lol.