Is this month over yet??

Almost. One more day, then the worst month ever is over. Well, I guess I can't say that, Ethan learned to walk this month, among other milestones, so this month wasn't all heartache. He's my little shining star, he makes everything better.
August though, August should be interesting! September too! I start classes (I'm taking 2) in August. I've never left Ethan before, and I'm so nervous and I plain don't want to leave him. :0( I know its only 2.5 hours, 3 days a week but whatever. I don't want to do it. I also haven't lined up anyone to watch him, lol, I'm just procrastinating. Though I'm super looking forward to the classes, they are fun ones for a change! I'm taking a Photography class and a Digital Editing class! Woot! How fun! Then in September is when the real fun of the classes comes in. I'll be getting my new camera, the just announced fantastic Nikon D300s annnnnd a new iMac annnnnnnnnd CS4!!! Double woot!!! I cannot wait!
Something closer to look forward to though is on the 4th, 5 days away, Jason and I are going to the spa and getting a 60 minute couples massage and a 30 minute foot treatment, I'm soo looking forward to this. This is our gift to each other for both our birthdays, Mother's day, Father's day and our anniversary. LOL Yes it's a little late but now is when we could afford it, plus it helped that this week is the spa's anniversary week and their offering 20% off massages and free soaks! Good deal!
One more good thing is the bleeding is finally slowing down and turning a little brown colored (still red though too) I'm hoping this will be over soon. Im so tired of the physical reminder every time I go to the bathroom, it's getting old honestly.

101 Things in 1001 Days

We crossed off a few things from the list recently, it is very exciting! LOL I really enjoy getting things done. Link for my 101 Things blog is on the right if anyone is interested in what Im talking about. :0)

I have the BEST husband

Seriously. (Im going to preface this by saying typically we live VERY frugily, we rarely buy anything outside the necessity, and if we do it a 'treat' for one of us)
First yesterday he bought us a new 40 inch flat panel 1080p TV for the bedroom! We have a really old tiny TV in there and have been talking about buying a new TV in there for a few years now. We also bought a fan for Ethan's room and for the future baby room, which was waay over due, it looks so nice in E's room! Jason and I installed it today, the one for the new nursery will have to wait till another day.
And the best part you may ask?? He is getting me an iMac!!!! I have a Mac Powerbook G4 laptop and a PC desktop, I'm soo excited for a new computer!! He was going to surprise me as just an 'I love you' gift but I scared him when I told him last night that I was going to buy CS4 for the PC and then use Fusion or Parallels to put it on my laptop too. He had to out himself to keep me from buying the ridiculously expensive software for the wrong type computer. LOL I wont be getting it till Sept-ish though! Dang! Im so pumped though!! It has a terabyte hard drive, HOLY CRAP!
In other news, I think Ethan said 'ball' today! It wasn't very good as his "L's" dont work to well yet. ;0) Today was a good day.

Updates, updates

First Ethan- His ear infections is finally gone!! WOOT!! The bad part is the high power stuff he was on gave him wicked diarrhea and that in turn gave him wicked diaper rash. Poor little man, it got bad toward the end and turned into bleeding diaper rash and he'd scream after pooping and during diaper changes, I felt so bad for him. The majority of the red is gone now and all that is left and the scabby parts where he bled, we're trying to get those areas healed up as quickly as we can, stopping the antibiotic certainly helped!
Now me- I'm still only spotting moderate to heavy, maybe enough for half a pad a day. Not quite what we're going for. Last night I had some bad cramping for about 2 hours and bled pretty good for that time but I'm back to spotting now. So I'm going to take the Cytotec this afternoon to get this over with and have it finally be behind us. From what the Dr told me and what Ive heard/read it is going to be VERY painful, I'm so not looking forward to it. My Dr said not to do it when I'm home alone, someone has to be with me because I will not be able to take care of Ethan because of the pain. She prescribed me Codeine so hopefully that will really help. I'm hoping tonight goes well and the physical will be over soon so we can concentrate more on the emotional/mental side of things. All in time, all in time.

Guilt

I know it's a silly thing to feel guilty about, and I know I shouldn't, that said I still do, I feel so guilty sometimes. I'm mourning the loss of this pregnancy, this baby when I look over and see my absolutely perfect son playing next to me. Why aren't I appreciating him instead of crying over something I never really had?? He's perfect, and I feel like since I'm mourning the loss of one, that I'm somehow not 100% satisfied with Ethan. I know it's absurd, but its what flies through my mind. If Ethan were the only child we were blessed with I would be happy, he's the most amazing thing ever to happen to Jason and me. He really is. So why am I feeling this way? It drives me insane. Then, just when the internal battle is about to peak Ethan comes over and put his head on my lap, lays down and giggles (he wants to be tickled and cuddle at the same time). Then I lose it, tears full force, the love I have for my child is fierce and overwhelming, I just cant control it. He then looks up, sees me crying and his smile immediately goes to a curled bottom lip and he starts whimpering trying not to cry, (he doesn't like to cry most of the time). My heart breaks all over again because he's crying because I'm crying, he's hurting because I'm hurting and I can't stand it, I have to stop this. I wipe the tears quickly, flip him over and tickle him, curled bottom lip turns back into a smile and he's laughing like crazy. Music to my ears, he's all I need to feel better. I love him so, so much, he's my entire world. If I could just keep this feeling all the time I would be set.

Mom's Night Out

Last night was my Mom's club's monthly Mom's Night Out, I wasnt going to go but Jason really talked me into it, he really wanted me to get out of the house. So I said whatever and got ready. I got to dress up a little, do my hair and make-up and actually feel good about myself which was nice in itself! We went for dinner at Chili's then next door to the movies and watched The Ugly Truth, there were 5 girls there and it was a lot of fun! I'm soo glad I went. It was nice to get my mind off things for a little while and not think about what the upcoming week is going to bring. I have so much more heartache to go through before this process is over, considering is hasnt even really begun physically since Im still not bleeding. I hate all this, so much. Which makes me that much more grateful for a night out to just be a girl having fun with some friends and not this lonely heartbroken person I am today.

OHH!! I left out the best part! When Jason came home from work he had a dozen red roses for me. :0) He's the best, he's taking the brunt of my misery and I feel bad for taking it out on him but there is no one else I'd ever want to go through this with. He's amazing.

No Heartbeat

Our worst fear was realized yesterday, we lost our baby. They said I grew a little but there was no heartbeat. My midwife wants me to start meds to induce a miscarriage since my body isn't getting the message. She said I should not do it alone, that with the meds it will be very painful and I need someone to take care of Ethan. She also prescribed Codeine for the pain. Jason's days off are Tues/Wed so I think I'm going to just see if I miscarry naturally before then, and if not I'll start the meds Monday afternoon when Jason gets home. I hope I don't have to take them honestly, it would make me feel better about the whole situation. I also requested to have my hcg measured again, if my numbers are still going up at all I don't want to take anything to cause a miscarriage. I should have those results this morning sometime.
The clinical diagnosis of what happened is 'Spontaneous Abortion.' I really don't like that, you hear the word abortion and it is so tightly associated with people who don't want their babies, we wanted this baby, we wanted this baby so badly. This is so incredibly painful, I honestly never thought it would be this painful. How could we miss something so fiercely that we never even had??

UPDATE: Just got my hcg results from yesterday back, 1760. I know that it is not normal for my stage of pregnancy, I honestly know that. But seriously, can I not catch a break this month?? All I wanted was for my numbers to go down so I can feel comfortable causing a miscarriage... but no, they're going up. They say it's the sack producing hormones and there is no chance of a viable pregnancy. I hate, hate, hate this.

Tomorrow

I am so terrified about tomorrow. I really want to know what's going on, but I truly want to be one of the lucky few with a miracle baby. Everything is against us right now, but I still have a little hope. Right now, as it stands I am pregnant. I'm terrified that is going to ripped out from under me tomorrow, I'm scared I won't be able to handle it.
I keep having vivid awful dreams too. Last night I dreamed I woke up and the bed was soaked in blood, it was so real. I'm tired of being completely on edge. I'm just tired. I've also looked up several 7 week ultrasound pictures to know what to look for, pretty much when we go in I'm just going to be looking for something in the sack, just something. Then for that beautiful flicker, oh God please let us see a heartbeat.
I know if there is something wrong the tech mostly likely won't say anything and then go and get a Dr, but if that is the case then we won't need the Dr we'll already know the baby is gone and it'll give us a little extra time to prepare.
I know I'm rambling, please keep praying. Thanks.

Well...

I had the red spotting this morning, a little bit of brown the time after that and nothing since. (I've gone to the bathroom probably a million times.) I've also had zero cramping which I thought was associated with miscarrying. WTH? Those who have gone through this before, is this normal? I'm getting my shred of hope back though I know I shouldn't, this isn't going to end well and I know it, but it's taking so long to unfold all I can do is hope while preparing for the worst. :0(

Operation Panty Watch: (I'll keep updates here)
7.20.09- No spotting or cramping the entire day, only scant amounts of brownish CM that honestly I wouldn't have even noticed if I weren't freakishly watching the TP.
7.21.09- No cramping or bleeding. Lots of creamy CM.
7.22.09- Nothing all day, slight brown spotting right before bed.
7.23.09- Brown spotting

Red blood

I just went to the bathroom and spotted red blood. Hope is gone and so is my baby. How do people handle this?

Infant poop

The new medication Ethan is on is causing diarrhea much to the consistency of infant poo. Toddler amounts of infant poop is no fun. Just thought I'd share.

Life goes on

Dinner still needs to be made, the kitchen cleaned, the floors picked up. Ethan still needs to be played with and loved, and above all he needs normalcy. He's very sensitive to the mood of the house and gets upset when I'm upset, so I plaster a smile on my face for him and pretend like nothing is wrong. Jason and I are having such a hard time with this, I think the worst part is the unknown, if we knew for certain what was going on then we could wrap our heads around it and go from there. But we don't, we don't know, there is hopeful things out there too that keeps our hope alive. Also I read that with a retroverted uterus (like I have) it can make it harder to see things in the uterus via ultrasound in the early stages and is the cause of some misdiagnosed miscarriages. While that doesnt account for my numbers, it helps a little.
I'm doing better and holding onto hope, I've only cried once today and once yesterday and that was while taking my PNV and Expecta. I hate this limbo, I hate knowing what is most likely to happen but outwardly everything seems 'perfect.' Had I not called about the tiny bit of pink on the TP we wouldn't even know any of this and would be blissfully unaware. Funny how things work out.

One week follow up

We had Ethan's one week follow up for his double ear infection today. The ear infection is still there, the pedi said what is still there is penicillin resistant, so now we have to start him on a different kind of higher powered antibiotics. *sigh* poor little guy, he seems like he feels back to his normal self but his ears are telling a different story. We'll see if this does the trick at his follow up appt next week.

I'm not sure which is worse

Holding onto a chance so slim or waiting on a miscarriage. I feel like I need to be realistic and that holding onto a little hope is just my attempt to push off *all* the pain until later when we will know "for sure." I'm definitely grieving right now, but I'm sure it would be worse if I were bleeding right now as well, bleeding makes it final. Without the bleeding I can still hope, it's almost not real. I've also read success stories online with low numbers not doubling resulting in healthy pregnancies, that an ultrasound is better diagnostically after 5 weeks for viability than hCG tests. Also it's suppose to double in 48-72 (some even say 96) hours, mine went up ~20% in 48, so there is a little wiggle room there too. I know I'm grasping, but it's all I can do.
I have an ultrasound appointment next Thursday at 2:30. It's going to be a LONG week, that is, if nothing happens in the meantime.

Numb

My midwife finally called me back, second draw numbers are 774, first was 655. Definitely not doubling. She said she was sorry but this would "most likely not result in a baby," I'm totally devastated. I immediately started crying, I was feeding Ethan at the time when the call came in, and him seeing me cry really upset him and he started crying too and refused to eat anymore. I feel awful for upsetting him.
She said we pretty much have two options, wait till next week (when my original appt was) and do an ultrasound and see 'if the numbers lie' and just make sure things are as suspected, or to start meds now to cause a miscarriage. I'm going to wait and pray for a miracle. I need to know for sure before taking the meds. If I have to m/c I'd rather do it naturally. But right now I'm holding onto a tiny sliver of hope that the u/s will show us a true miracle, I know the odds are way agaisnt me, but it's all I have right now.

I can control it during the day, the night... not so much.

I can keep the worrying and fretting under control during the day with my rational thoughts and ways of distracting myself. Once I go to sleep though, all control is released. I probably woke up over 50 times last night with dreams of my numbers coming back lower than my first ones. My sleep was so restless and horrible. I'm really tired today. I just want to know, either way.
I have a call into the nurse right now to see if my hcg results are back from yesterdays draw... I'm scared.

Today I am pregnant, and I love this baby.

That is my motto, and I keep saying that to myself every time I feel myself start to worry. Today I AM pregnant, and I so dearly love this baby. I love this baby so much so I'm not going to let the stress overtake my body and make for a hostile growing environment. :0) I'm going to stay as calm and as relaxed as possible, because this baby, my baby, totally deserves it. Worrying won't help, so I'm trying not to give into it.
Thank you soo much for all the thoughts and prayers over the last few days, we appreciate it more than you'll ever know. It is with the help of all you that we are able to wait out this what seems like forever wait so peacefully. Thank you!

Think Doubling Thoughts!

OMGosh... we were in town for-ev-er today. We went to Bed, Bath and Beyond, BRU, Target, to lunch, to my sewing machine shop, JoAnn's, the mall, the hospital and Sam's club. I wanted to do the hospital as close to last as we could to give as much extra time as we could, lol. We did the math and since my numbers were 655 last time and we want that number to double in 48 hours that means it would have to go up ~13 an hour. :0) So by going at 4:30 instead of 11am, that means I gave myself extra time to go up about 60 units! Yaa, we're nerds like that. I'm calling for the results about noon tomorrow, hopefully they're in, I don't want to wait any longer!

*Sigh*

Guideline to hCG levels during pregnancy:

hCG levels in weeks from LMP (gestational age)* :

• 3 weeks LMP: 5 - 50 mIU/ml
• 4 weeks LMP: 5 - 426 mIU/ml
• 5 weeks LMP: 18 - 7,340 mIU/ml
• 6 weeks LMP: 1,080 - 56,500 mIU/ml
• 7 - 8 weeks LMP: 7, 650 - 229,000 mIU/ml
• 9 - 12 weeks LMP: 25,700 - 288,000 mIU/ml
• 13 - 16 weeks LMP: 13,300 - 254,000 mIU/ml
• 17 - 24 weeks LMP: 4,060 - 165,400 mIU/ml
• 25 - 40 weeks LMP: 3,640 - 117,000 mIU/ml
• Non-pregnant females: <5.0>
• Postmenopausal females: <9.5>

This still doesn't count me out but it doesn't help either though! Think doubling thoughts! :0)

HCG Results

I just called for my HCG results from yesterday, it was 655. That corresponds with 4-5 weeks pregnant she said. I'm 6 weeks today. So its low, how low I don't know. (anyone have a chart or something of the amount of HCG and # of weeks pregnant?) The real question though is are my numbers doubling. I have another blood draw tomorrow and will get those results Thursday, so some more wait and see.

Limbo

I had a little spotting last night, and about the same amount a week ago. I called today just to let them know and they wanted me to come in. I actually didn't expect that, I just wanted it noted on my chart and expected them to say take it easy, etc. So I called Jason and he got off work and met me at the hospital. They took my history and all the normal stuff, they also sent off cultures to rule out UTI or another infection as the cause of the bleeding even though I don't have any other symptoms. Then they sent me for an ultrasound. The tech kept saying that it is "such a small gestational sack" and that "there was nothing in it" and that if my dates are off then that would be completely expected. I know exactly when I ovulated though, my dates arn't off. She said Im measuring less than four weeks when in reality I'll be 6 weeks tomorrow. She also found a cyst on my cervix, which may or may not have been the cause of the bleeding. I had betas drawn and go again on Wednesday to see if my blood results correlate with my dates, and maybe the u/s was just off. We'll see, it's just a big game of wait and see. I hate this.

Pasta Time!!

Picture story telling time!

Once upon a time there was an OCD mom who raaaarely let her young son get super messy, he didn't know what he was missing so he never complained. Then one day it was bath night (and pasta night) and OCD mom decided to let her young son just have at it. After removing all his clothes, and anything else he may touch of course!


At first he had no idea what to think....


trying it out causiously, he proceded to poke around.


This is kind of fun!


Then beans were added... I'm pretty sure this is the day before the Poop and Beans incident.


All the while OCD mom cringed, how gross!


Finger lickin' good!


This new adventure made the young boy very happy...


VERY happy!


Now that dinner was over he was left to contemplate the events that just happened, pretty good, preeeeettyyy good!


After picking pasta shells and beans from the young boy's lap, he was off to his waiting bath with daddy by his side.


That stuff if hard to get off! Did OCD mom mention it stained the young boy's skin?! Yup, awesome!


Sleeping soundly after a full day!

The End.

PIP catch up

Progression of pee sticks, the first is 11 DPO I think, second is 13 DPO and third is 16 or 17 DPO. I just wanted to see if it got darker!


I got this the same time as the second stick.

Annd here is me at 5 weeks! I have one from the day I found out, three weeks, something days, and one from 4 weeks, but they all look the same so here's the most recent.

The verdict

We went to the Dr this morning because his temp was still over 102, he has a double ear infection. He's on oral antibiotics and pain relieving ear drops. Poor baby. I hope he feels better soon, his fever still hasnt completely broken, he's exhausted.

103.5

That is Ethan's temperature right now. Poor little man, I called the Dr and gave him Tylenol, they said if his fever doesn't break in an hour to take him to the Pediatric Urgent Care at the hospital. I thought it was VERY odd that he just laid and cuddled with me for 2.5 hours on the couch, he seemed warm but I thought it was because he wedged himself between me and the couch back. When we changed him I took his temp and was shocked when 103.5 popped up immediately, so shocked in fact I went and got another thermometer because the first one just had to be wrong... it wasn't. Let's hope when I take it again in 15 minutes it has started to break.

UPDATE: An hour later his temp was 101.9, if it's back up again before he goes to bed we'll take him in, hopefully that won't be needed!

UPDATE again: 3.5 hours after Tylenol its back up to 102.9, I just gave him Motrin at 4 hours after Tylenol and we'll see what that does. If anything else changes or it goes higher we're going in.

Blogging taking a backseat

I started an intense Financial Accounting course that is four weeks long on Monday the 6th (ends the 30th), OMGosh, it is very hard and soo time consuming! I'm studying/doing homework about 4 hours a day and in class 3 hours a day and I'm still super behind. There are just not enough hours in the day for this and Ethan comes first, if he's awake I'm with him. I'm done. Pray I don't fail! This class alone cost over $1000 and I would hate to lose all that money and not even pass! Oye.

Going to the moutains!

Jason gets off work in a few and we're going to my parents in the mountains for a few days! I'm so excited! We're going to go to the 4th of July rodeo in my little hometown, it's so much fun. I hope I (or Jason) doesn't slip that I'm pregnant, we don't want to tell for a while, so we'll see! Be back of the 5th!