Our worst fear was realized yesterday, we lost our baby. They said I grew a little but there was no heartbeat. My midwife wants me to start meds to induce a miscarriage since my body isn't getting the message. She said I should not do it alone, that with the meds it will be very painful and I need someone to take care of Ethan. She also prescribed Codeine for the pain. Jason's days off are Tues/Wed so I think I'm going to just see if I miscarry naturally before then, and if not I'll start the meds Monday afternoon when Jason gets home. I hope I don't have to take them honestly, it would make me feel better about the whole situation. I also requested to have my hcg measured again, if my numbers are still going up at all I don't want to take anything to cause a miscarriage. I should have those results this morning sometime.
The clinical diagnosis of what happened is 'Spontaneous Abortion.' I really don't like that, you hear the word abortion and it is so tightly associated with people who don't want their babies, we wanted this baby, we wanted this baby so badly. This is so incredibly painful, I honestly never thought it would be this painful. How could we miss something so fiercely that we never even had??
UPDATE: Just got my hcg results from yesterday back, 1760. I know that it is not normal for my stage of pregnancy, I honestly know that. But seriously, can I not catch a break this month?? All I wanted was for my numbers to go down so I can feel comfortable causing a miscarriage... but no, they're going up. They say it's the sack producing hormones and there is no chance of a viable pregnancy. I hate, hate, hate this.
Dear Sandy,
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure how I came across your blog, but I am just aching for your loss right now. I lost my first baby on May 16th at 7 weeks, 5 days. Nearly two-and-a-half months later, I am still very much in pain. Please know that you have every right to feel whatever it is that you feel (including anger) - don't push those feelings away. They are very powerful, and in time, will help you to start the healing process.
The "spontaneous abortion" diagnosis really made me seethe with anger when I lost my baby. You will miss your baby so fiercely because you loved him or her from the very moment that you knew you were expecting. I know because I felt the same way. I had already started planning and dreaming for my child, and when those dreams were ripped away, it was hard to know where to go from there.
I'm not sure if it will help you at all, but we named our baby and talk about him (I feel very strongly that it was a boy) by name. It's helped us give him a little personality. :)
Please feel free to get in touch if you need to vent or have any questions. I'm so sorry you have to go through this.
Your post brought tears to my eyes. I felt the same way as you do when I miscarried. It is the hardest thing I've ever gone through. I'm so sorry you have to go through it as well.
ReplyDeleteAs the pp said too, I gave the baby that I lost a name. I had a life like dream that the baby was a girl. I think of her every day and say a prayer for her every night. Not as day goes by that I don't.
Stick close to family. Hug E a little tighter. It really helps to have that support.
(((big hugs)))
WinsyWade
I am so sorry for your loss.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for your loss. My heart aches for you.
ReplyDelete(hugs) I am so, so sorry.
ReplyDeleteThere are no words that I can tell you right now to make everything better. But know that my heart breaks for you and your husband. You will be in my prayers!
ReplyDeleteI'm very sorry for your loss Sandy. I lost my first pregnancy and it was the hardest thing I have ever gone through. :hugs:
ReplyDeleteLauren/PhilsWife07
I am so so sorry Sandy! I wish there was something I could do or say to make you feel better and to take the pain away. I cannot imagine the heartache that you and Jason must be feeling. I wish I could help in someway. Please, please let me know if there is ANYTHING I can do.
ReplyDelete:hugs:
Im in tears for you. Im praying for you and I really hope everything works out for you.
ReplyDeleteI too do not like that term "spontanious abortion" I hate that!
Sandy, I am so sorry. I am sitting here trying to come up with something I can say 'I'm sorry' doesn't ever quite cut it. I'm glad you have such a supportive husband during these times. You will be in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry. ((hugs))
ReplyDelete