Guilt

I know it's a silly thing to feel guilty about, and I know I shouldn't, that said I still do, I feel so guilty sometimes. I'm mourning the loss of this pregnancy, this baby when I look over and see my absolutely perfect son playing next to me. Why aren't I appreciating him instead of crying over something I never really had?? He's perfect, and I feel like since I'm mourning the loss of one, that I'm somehow not 100% satisfied with Ethan. I know it's absurd, but its what flies through my mind. If Ethan were the only child we were blessed with I would be happy, he's the most amazing thing ever to happen to Jason and me. He really is. So why am I feeling this way? It drives me insane. Then, just when the internal battle is about to peak Ethan comes over and put his head on my lap, lays down and giggles (he wants to be tickled and cuddle at the same time). Then I lose it, tears full force, the love I have for my child is fierce and overwhelming, I just cant control it. He then looks up, sees me crying and his smile immediately goes to a curled bottom lip and he starts whimpering trying not to cry, (he doesn't like to cry most of the time). My heart breaks all over again because he's crying because I'm crying, he's hurting because I'm hurting and I can't stand it, I have to stop this. I wipe the tears quickly, flip him over and tickle him, curled bottom lip turns back into a smile and he's laughing like crazy. Music to my ears, he's all I need to feel better. I love him so, so much, he's my entire world. If I could just keep this feeling all the time I would be set.