I have crosshairs...

Let the craziness begin!

Ugh, slap me.

1 year of TTC and one miscarriage has made me a bitter betty. I now find myself not feeling happy for people when they get pregnant and I know that is horrible. I especially have a hard time finding happy feelings for those saying, 'It was just a huge surprise! We weren't even trying!' I know I'll get pregnant again, I know it. So I just need to get a grip and be happy for others even though we arent there yet ourselves. I just had to get that out there, that is step one of conquering my crappy feelings!

Cookies for Santa

It has been a LONG time (or at least it seems like it has been) since I shared Ethan photos! Day before yesterday I did a little shoot with Ethan here at the house, it was quite late and there wasn't enough light, so it didn't turn out like I would have hoped. I still got some cute ones though! Totally mommy-goggles, but I love him!! He wasn't really having it and kept getting up and running away, he also wouldn't eat the cookies! Weirdo!





What a weird way to stand/sit... that is how he checks things out, Jason says all he needs is a magazine, LOL.









Love his stinky little face here!















And a funny out-take! Jason had just walked by and Ethan started flailing around like crazy to show off for daddy!

Merry Christmas!

Wow.

We went to the mountains to spent the weekend with my mom. We left Thursday and got back last night. It was a great time except one thing... I was getting ready to give Ethan a bath and he was standing next to me as I temped the water. He started headbanging (he does this a LOT) because he was excited to get in and hit his face on the side of the tub and broke out half of his front tooth. I freaking feel HORRIBLE. He barely cried, but I lost it. I cant believe that happened to him and two inches from me. I feel like the worst mother EVER. So today we took him to the pediatric dentist and he said E's teeth are really loose (both fronts) and that he broke off two layers off tooth and barely missed the nerve. So we have to go back in two weeks to see if the teeth are healing (getting less loose) if not one or both have to be extracted. If they do heal then he has to have the chipped tooth filled in and molded so when he grows the nerve doesnt become exposed. This is SO emotionally exhausting.

Back on Clomid for me

I went to the Dr today since this month marks a year of trying. She says she thinks I have an atypical presentation of PCOS, but we can't be sure. So I got a script for Clomid, lucky for me I started my period this morning, so I'll be started the Clomid soon! Let's hope this is our cycle. I've had 2 friends that I started TTC before already have their babies, and my sister is due next month, we were TTC together too. I'm so ready to be done trying and to just be pregnant. Then on to the 9 month wait! :0) I'm hopeful.

Something that made me feel a little better

I just knocked 5 more things off my 101 Things list! That feels good! Link is to the right if anyone is interested. :0)

:0(

DH left today to go hunting, I'll be alone for a week. Last time he left someone tried to break into our house... carrying a gun and a toddler while looking for someone in our house while the alarm blared was one of the most terrifying things Ive done.

I got a BFN this morning. This month marks a year of trying.

Ethan was being a pill, he was sweet as usual, but totally into EVERYTHING.

There is a huge snow storm the the mountains DH is going hunting in, I have this crushing feeling in my chest that he and his brother are going to die out there.

I keep crying at the drop of a hat and really need something to distract me and to occupy my mind for a while.

Gah. Now Im crying again.

18 months

Really!? Is he really that old?! Has it really been 18 looooongg/short months since I gave birth to a tiny little 7 pound 1 ounce baby boy? Well one thing is for sure, he's not my baby anymore, he's turning into such a little boy, not much baby left. It makes me so, so sad. He is now a 27 pound (yes, 27!) ball of giggles and fury. He is all over the place exploring and learning, and having fun. I miss my baby boy, :0( but am loving the little man he's turning into.

Please Pray

I take classes 9-11:30 Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday and my sweet neighbor watches Ethan for me while I'm in class. She has a 2.5 year old son that when he was 9 months old was diagnosed with a VERY, VERY rare blood disorder. He has a port in his chest, gets chemo, and blood drawn several times a week. All this causes him to be immunosuppressed. Well Sunday they were over for dinner and Ian (her son) felt warm, we took his temp and it was high, not good. So I went to the ER with her so her DH could stay home and rest because he had to work the next day. We were in the ER till 3am, they took blood and gave antibiotics just in case. We came home and his fever was down, then the next day it shot up and he had to go back in. The Dr's say he has Swine Flu, which is very dangerous for him and his condition. Please pray for a speedy recovery for this little boy and for strength for his parents. I don't know how they handle it, it's so scary. Thanks.

Long time no see!

I havent blogged in a while! First, Ethan was sick, then we were preparing for our trip to Colorado, then went for 4 days, then I bought back a wonderful cold and now Ethan has it poor guy, and Jason just called and said he's getting sick. Wonderful. So that's what we've been up too! A lot of traveling and being sick! Hopefully soon I'll post some pictures from our trip and really catch everyone up, as for now, E is sleeping and Im working on a photo book for my first skill building photography client! <-- I should probably elaborate more on that later too!

Ethan...

Is sick. :0( For the last couple days he's been really crabby and clingy, then yesterday his nose starting running rivers, last night he developed a cough, and today he had a 102.5 fever, so we took him in. Turns out he has a cold and an ear infection. He's on antibiotics for the EI and just riding out the cold. Poor kid cant sleep cause he cant breathe. He is so. tired. Pray my little boy feels better soon!

Got the weepies...

This happens a least every couple months, but it's happened much more recently. With the miscarriage, the death of my friend who left behind her 7 year old daughter and the passing of yet another of my dad's birthday's I just get to thinking about life.

I fail to remember sometimes how incredibly luck I am. Honestly, I don't think what I have is ordinary, not by far. I am so blessed, with a man that loves me so, so much and with an amazing son. Ordinary? No. I am still blown away by how amazing Jason is, how much he loves me and how much he does just because. He works to support his family and comes home and is instantly 'daddy,' he takes over Ethan, plays with him and loves on him. It melts my heart. He does most of the cooking, and at least half the cleaning (including the bathrooms!). He takes the time to make me feel special and loved by a special touch, a random hug and kiss and really tunes into me as his wife, not only as the mother of his child.

He affords me the opportunity to be a stay at home mom, and completely supports my life at home with Ethan. We both feel so strongly about the fact that since we have the means for me to be home that it is the most important place for me to be. We'd rather be 'losing' money with me at home then paying someone else to hang out with our son all day, I want to do that. I want to be there for everything for him, and Jason completely supports that and loves it for our family.

What gets me super weepy is when I think of Ethan. I think about what would happen if I suddenly died. He is to young to even remember me, to remember the feeling of a hug and how we would play. He would never know how much I loved him. Things like this, things I cannot control, worry me sick sometimes. These are the reasons I write him letters, so that if something were to happen to me he would have something from me to him, and only him. It also really breaks my heart that with the thousands of pictures I have of him only a hand full (probably less than 20) are of him and I, it's like I don't exist. I'm always behind the camera. I need more ways to let him know how much I love him, there aren't enough ways to tell him how much I love him. I love him.

I've had better days

Today is my dad's birthday. For those of you that don't know, he passed away June, 06' of multiple organ failure due to liver disease. Im just seriously missing him. I just wish so much that he were here, that he would have been able to be at my wedding, hang out with Jason and be the absolutely amazing grandpa I know he would have been. I feel like Ethan is missing out on so much because he doesnt have the chance to ever know his grandpa. Life is so unfair sometimes.

Great. I just got a call from Jason that he has to work a swing shift tonight after his day shift, so a 16 hour day. He wont be home till midnight. Awesome.

Im thinking of calling my sister and seeing if she wants to do anything today. The State Fair just opened and it was one of my dad's favorite things to do, maybe we can go do that or something. With Jason not coming home I need out of the house.

Round 2

Second iMac.... let's see how this goes. Im cautiously excited.

It's dead. :0(

My brand new iMac that is. After about 5 hours on the phone with tech support, we finally got the message that "Drive has reported fatal hardware error to Disk Utility" Hard drive is bad. So rare for it come that way out of the box. Got it yesterday, sent it back today. :0( What's even more awesome???? It is now on back order... so I canceled the order all together. Maybe I'll try to find it somewhere else. Still totally sucks and is so disappointing!
OH! And icing on the cake?? It cost $189 to ship it back, hopefully I'll get reimbursed for that!

Wow. Just wow.

I got my new computer yesterday, woot! So I go to put it on my desk and scoot in back... doesn't fit. Powned. So awesome. So we cut a hole in my desk to fit it. (The way my desk is there is a shelf above it, the monitor doesn't fit under the shelf.) Finally we get it in and all comfy and what happens? The damn thing CRASHES. Seriously. Ive spend 1.5 hours on the phone with tech support and he cant figure it out, Im probably going to have to take it in today (an hour drive one way) to switch it out. Ugh. This is so frustrating, I got a Mac in part to avoid problems like THIS.
Even more awesome? Jason HATES Macs and thinks this is sooo funny because I say Macs are better, now he's just laughing at me. LOL I admit it is a little humerous though. Thank goodness I didnt have anything on it yet, so there is nothing lost but time.

The excitement doesn't stop there!!!

Last night we ordered my new iMac and CS4 software and it will be here tomorrow!!!! I got a 3.06GHz with a 24-inch glossy widescreen display (I wanted a matte screen for editing but they dont do matte in the iMac's ) 4GB memory, 1TERABYTE hard drive and a 8x SuperDrive! Im so, so, so, excited! This is my Christmas present! Now I need to think of something equally as exciting for DH for Christmas as this computer and software is for me!
This is going to be so great for my editing class, we have that class one day a week and I can only use the software at school right now and one day just isnt enough to be able to learn this stuff. I can't go another time because by the time DH gets home from home to watch Ethan the labs are closed.
I now have the tools I need to really get my photography off the ground, now I just need to jump in and learn, learn, practice and learn!!

Everything is finally here!!!

First I got my lens, worthless without a camera. Totally sucked, but I could wait for my camera to get here. A week later my camera came!! YAAY! But guess what wasn't here?? My memory card! Arg! TORTURE! Soo the card came today!! I'm soo excited to get started and start learning this camera, it's amazing and I want to use it to its fullest potential! WOOT! I'm also pumped to stop spending money right now, over $2,000 dollars later, Im tired of spending money!

Back to School!

School started this week, but this time around I'm taking classes I WANT to take, not ones I have to take! YAY! I'm in a Photography class as well as a Digital Editing class exclusively in CS4. I'm so pumped about the things I'm going to learn in these classes. It's going to be such a huge leap in hopefully turning my photography into a business. The photography class was good! It's going to start with a foundation of traditional film photography and we're going to be developing our own photos in the darkroom (which is so creepy!), then after a few weeks we'll include digital into the class (and can choose to shoot either firm or digital from then on). She says we'll learn a lot about exposure and lighting, as well as composure, and other techniques and processes. It's also going to go into CS4 a little with the best way to store digital images, etc. This will probably be overlapping though with the editing class on Wednesdays, but I think the review will be great! I'm excited!


The first day Ethan bawled when I walk towards the door and he tried to chase me, when I closed the door I heard him crying soo hard and started crying myself. I dont know how people do this! I hope it gets better, she said after about a minute he was fine, but I hope maybe we can get to a point with no tears for both of us. The second day and today were better, he cried, but for less that 30 seconds then calmed down and started playing with the cars, so that's a start! We'll see how it goes!

Why does this crap happen??

Here is a C&P of the progress over the last 24 hours for a friend of mine... (from my message board)

I work with a girl (we both work for the same photographer) and she was in a horrible car accident today. Her mom called her that her dad collapsed at church and was being transported to the hospital, she was trying to get to town to get to her dad, it was raining and she was on the interstate and lost control and hit two other cars. She's in a coma, has brain damage (they dont know how much), and a punctured lung among other bodily injuries. They give her less that a 50% chance of survival. She's a single mom of a 6 year girl. I feel so awful. She could really use some thoughts/prayers. Thanks.

UPDATE: They did a scan this morning to see if there is blood getting to her brain, if not the family has already made arrangements for organ donation. :0( I can't believe this. Her daughter's birthday is Sunday, she's 24, it's just not right, I just can't believe this.

update: She just died, she's gone. This world sucks, there is to much loss for NO reason.

Seriously? Did this need to happen? No. So why did it?? Along with this why are so many people lately losing babies, and family members? I don't understand this world, I really don't. I know I never will, but this just shows you never, ever will.

I have crosshairs!!!

It's looking like I ovulated! ON MY OWN! Woot!

.::HAPPY DANCE::.

I just got a positive OPK!!!!!!!!! Ive NEVER had a positive OPK without Clomid!! I was suuuuperr hoping the hormones from the miscarriage would jolt my body into working, even if just for one cycle, and it looks like it might be!!! Holy crap!! I hoped the same thing after pregnancy and delivery, but nope! Glad it happened now! You should have seen my happy dance, I think I scared Ethan! LOL!
I had to pull up the directions to the OPK's online because I couldnt remember which was the control line, lol, and there was *no way* it was actually positive! (It really is) I only took it because I'd had EWMC the last few days and curiosity got the best of me, this is amazing. :0)
Here's my chart for you stalkers out there!

In a funk.

With everything that has happened lately, I feel totally defeated. I don't want to blog, I don't want to go to Mom's Club outings, I don't want to do anything really. Just blah. I should be 10 weeks pregnant and looking forward to the second trimester, but here I sit, very not pregnant and just sad and ticked off.
I have to get my blood drawn to see if my levels went back to zero since my pregnancy test last week was still positive ::kick in the gut::. She said to do it after the 10th. I'm hoping that by some miracle and with some luck, (though we know how that goes for me --> not good!) I'll have gotten pregnant again, and we'll see my numbers already going up. Chances are so slim, I will had to have ovulated, a feat in itself for me, and had good timing, annnnd actually gotten pregnant. Not probable. I guess I just need something to hope for right now, and this is it. :0) I think I'll go in Saturday when I go to town. Hopefully everything is okay.

Enough is ENOUGH.

This morning someone tried to break into my house. A little after 7 my house alarm starts blaring, which is terrifying to wake up too. DH left yesterday for a few days to go camping so I'm all alone, and he took our big dog, so it's just Ethan and I. I run and get Ethan, then my gun. I tried to turn off the alarm but it just turns back on after about 4 seconds. I cannot find my frickin' phone and am terrified I'm going to run into someone in my house if I go looking for it any further. Finally I get my alarm off and run to my neighbors house. It took the cops OVER AN HOUR to get here. Ugh, what if someone had come in? Tried to take Ethan? Tried to rape me?? Or kill us both? The response time around here is sickening.
Enough is enough. First the miscarriage, then Ethan's penicillin resistant double ear infections, then someone hacking our bank account and taking everything, then DH leaves and someone tries to break in. I'm done, I cant handle anymore, I'm going to stay with my sister till DH gets home, if she'll ever answer her phone.
On the plus side, my neighbors were so sweet even though they were in bed when I rang the door bell. They made us pancakes for breakfast and waited for the cops with us. I'm so glad they were there.

Seriously?!?!

I checked my bank account last night... I have SIX dollars. SIX. All my money is gone. OMG, someone has my info, I freaked out. I got on the phone with Wells Fargo and turns out someone got a hold of my account number and paid their bills. What an idiot. Now I have to close the account, re-route all my external accounts and make credit calls. Ugh, I hate people sometimes! Also it'll take ~10 business days to get my money back. Yay.

BFP

Probably the ONE time I don't want a BFP. That means there are still remaining hormones in my system. It was faint so that was good, means that the hormones have dropped a good amount, so I have to do blood work next week to see if I'm to zero. If not, then I'll have a D&C to remove any remaining tissue. Still not over, but we're getting closer. The bleeding stopped the day before yesterday so that was great.
Speaking of yesterday, our massages were wonderful! We soaked in the private hot tub, made out a little ;0) then went in for our massages and feet treatments. It was incredibly relaxing, other than the INCREDIBLY painful parts! LOL I have such horrible back pain with awful knots, that she really had to work them and it hurt, a lot. Felt better afterward, though the pain has already returned. Boo. I need to go more often if they are actually going to keep my pain at bay but alas, that takes money, something a one income family doesn't have a whole lot extra of. Oh well. :0)

Ack!

So I took a shower after I put Ethan down for his nap, I needed to wash my hair and shave before our massages this afternoon (YAY!). We are also doing a feet treatment and I happened to have no polish on my toes, so I figured if someone is going to spend 30 minutes staring at my feet I need to paint my toes! So I put a bra and tank on and some boy short underwear and go to the office to paint my nails. I tell myself I want to be completely ready by around 1 because UPS usually gets here between 1:30 and 2:00 and Ethan wakes at 2 and we need to leave around 2:30. So I get my first coat on and who rolls up?! UPS!! I'm in my underwear with wet toenails! SHIT! I have to answer the door because it's our TV and it requires a signature. OMG. I had my pants with me in case this happened so Im watching the UPS guy drag our TV up the driveway as I try to dance my pants on without touching my nails to the sides of my jeans. Success! I open the door (he never saw anything but I about had a heart attack!) and he's continuing to drag the box and lifts it a little and the bottom is open... WTF?! I said, the bottom is open and that's our new TV in there! He's all, "Really, cause it's packed like crap and has been flopping around in the box the whole time." :0| Wow. So we open it and it's packed in another box but the outter box has about 6 inches of space on bother sides with no packing material. So dumb. It better work, Im afraid to open the other box, I'll let Jason do it. Anyway, the box is a beast, so I have him push it in the door for me and for F's sake he bunny hopped the box over the door ledge and it landed on my toe... swiping all my polish off! DAMN IT! After all that and I stiiiilllll get to re-do it! I'm so looking forward to the massage!

Back on the horse tomorrow

I'm going to start charting and taking my PNV's again tomorrow. I quit charting because I was pregnant and I quit taking my PNV's and Expecta because I was bitter and pissed off. I'm still two of the three, I'll let you take a stab at it. ;0) I want any future child of mine to have the absolute best start, and that start's with me. So tomorrow, we start over.

Moms! Help!

Ethan still gets a bottle at nap and bedtime. With his allergies and everything it made me feel better to know that he was still getting nutrition through formula. We decided when we were out of formula we would try and stop the bottles. How the hell do you do this?? I have Next Step, I decided that about 1/2 an hour before bed (and nap) time I'd give him a sippy of Next Step then at bed time he could sip on that and be cuddled, then put down. Didn't go well, he's crying now :0( and it breaks my heart. Tips?? Normally he goes down without a peep and goes right to sleep, he's a wonderful sleeper, I hate to make him so upset over a stupid bottle. Ugh, why is this so hard sometimes?

This kid cracks me up!

He's going to be a healthy eater just like mom and dad! Tonight he had (and LOVED) red quinoa, tofu, chicken and shrimp with bok choy, leeks and red peppers. LOL

Bitter, angry, empty.

I miss my baby. I feel bitter and lonely right now, I wish this were over. Actually I wish it never happened. Today, I'm done. Hopefully tomorrow is better.

Is this month over yet??

Almost. One more day, then the worst month ever is over. Well, I guess I can't say that, Ethan learned to walk this month, among other milestones, so this month wasn't all heartache. He's my little shining star, he makes everything better.
August though, August should be interesting! September too! I start classes (I'm taking 2) in August. I've never left Ethan before, and I'm so nervous and I plain don't want to leave him. :0( I know its only 2.5 hours, 3 days a week but whatever. I don't want to do it. I also haven't lined up anyone to watch him, lol, I'm just procrastinating. Though I'm super looking forward to the classes, they are fun ones for a change! I'm taking a Photography class and a Digital Editing class! Woot! How fun! Then in September is when the real fun of the classes comes in. I'll be getting my new camera, the just announced fantastic Nikon D300s annnnnd a new iMac annnnnnnnnd CS4!!! Double woot!!! I cannot wait!
Something closer to look forward to though is on the 4th, 5 days away, Jason and I are going to the spa and getting a 60 minute couples massage and a 30 minute foot treatment, I'm soo looking forward to this. This is our gift to each other for both our birthdays, Mother's day, Father's day and our anniversary. LOL Yes it's a little late but now is when we could afford it, plus it helped that this week is the spa's anniversary week and their offering 20% off massages and free soaks! Good deal!
One more good thing is the bleeding is finally slowing down and turning a little brown colored (still red though too) I'm hoping this will be over soon. Im so tired of the physical reminder every time I go to the bathroom, it's getting old honestly.

101 Things in 1001 Days

We crossed off a few things from the list recently, it is very exciting! LOL I really enjoy getting things done. Link for my 101 Things blog is on the right if anyone is interested in what Im talking about. :0)

I have the BEST husband

Seriously. (Im going to preface this by saying typically we live VERY frugily, we rarely buy anything outside the necessity, and if we do it a 'treat' for one of us)
First yesterday he bought us a new 40 inch flat panel 1080p TV for the bedroom! We have a really old tiny TV in there and have been talking about buying a new TV in there for a few years now. We also bought a fan for Ethan's room and for the future baby room, which was waay over due, it looks so nice in E's room! Jason and I installed it today, the one for the new nursery will have to wait till another day.
And the best part you may ask?? He is getting me an iMac!!!! I have a Mac Powerbook G4 laptop and a PC desktop, I'm soo excited for a new computer!! He was going to surprise me as just an 'I love you' gift but I scared him when I told him last night that I was going to buy CS4 for the PC and then use Fusion or Parallels to put it on my laptop too. He had to out himself to keep me from buying the ridiculously expensive software for the wrong type computer. LOL I wont be getting it till Sept-ish though! Dang! Im so pumped though!! It has a terabyte hard drive, HOLY CRAP!
In other news, I think Ethan said 'ball' today! It wasn't very good as his "L's" dont work to well yet. ;0) Today was a good day.

Updates, updates

First Ethan- His ear infections is finally gone!! WOOT!! The bad part is the high power stuff he was on gave him wicked diarrhea and that in turn gave him wicked diaper rash. Poor little man, it got bad toward the end and turned into bleeding diaper rash and he'd scream after pooping and during diaper changes, I felt so bad for him. The majority of the red is gone now and all that is left and the scabby parts where he bled, we're trying to get those areas healed up as quickly as we can, stopping the antibiotic certainly helped!
Now me- I'm still only spotting moderate to heavy, maybe enough for half a pad a day. Not quite what we're going for. Last night I had some bad cramping for about 2 hours and bled pretty good for that time but I'm back to spotting now. So I'm going to take the Cytotec this afternoon to get this over with and have it finally be behind us. From what the Dr told me and what Ive heard/read it is going to be VERY painful, I'm so not looking forward to it. My Dr said not to do it when I'm home alone, someone has to be with me because I will not be able to take care of Ethan because of the pain. She prescribed me Codeine so hopefully that will really help. I'm hoping tonight goes well and the physical will be over soon so we can concentrate more on the emotional/mental side of things. All in time, all in time.

Guilt

I know it's a silly thing to feel guilty about, and I know I shouldn't, that said I still do, I feel so guilty sometimes. I'm mourning the loss of this pregnancy, this baby when I look over and see my absolutely perfect son playing next to me. Why aren't I appreciating him instead of crying over something I never really had?? He's perfect, and I feel like since I'm mourning the loss of one, that I'm somehow not 100% satisfied with Ethan. I know it's absurd, but its what flies through my mind. If Ethan were the only child we were blessed with I would be happy, he's the most amazing thing ever to happen to Jason and me. He really is. So why am I feeling this way? It drives me insane. Then, just when the internal battle is about to peak Ethan comes over and put his head on my lap, lays down and giggles (he wants to be tickled and cuddle at the same time). Then I lose it, tears full force, the love I have for my child is fierce and overwhelming, I just cant control it. He then looks up, sees me crying and his smile immediately goes to a curled bottom lip and he starts whimpering trying not to cry, (he doesn't like to cry most of the time). My heart breaks all over again because he's crying because I'm crying, he's hurting because I'm hurting and I can't stand it, I have to stop this. I wipe the tears quickly, flip him over and tickle him, curled bottom lip turns back into a smile and he's laughing like crazy. Music to my ears, he's all I need to feel better. I love him so, so much, he's my entire world. If I could just keep this feeling all the time I would be set.

Mom's Night Out

Last night was my Mom's club's monthly Mom's Night Out, I wasnt going to go but Jason really talked me into it, he really wanted me to get out of the house. So I said whatever and got ready. I got to dress up a little, do my hair and make-up and actually feel good about myself which was nice in itself! We went for dinner at Chili's then next door to the movies and watched The Ugly Truth, there were 5 girls there and it was a lot of fun! I'm soo glad I went. It was nice to get my mind off things for a little while and not think about what the upcoming week is going to bring. I have so much more heartache to go through before this process is over, considering is hasnt even really begun physically since Im still not bleeding. I hate all this, so much. Which makes me that much more grateful for a night out to just be a girl having fun with some friends and not this lonely heartbroken person I am today.

OHH!! I left out the best part! When Jason came home from work he had a dozen red roses for me. :0) He's the best, he's taking the brunt of my misery and I feel bad for taking it out on him but there is no one else I'd ever want to go through this with. He's amazing.

No Heartbeat

Our worst fear was realized yesterday, we lost our baby. They said I grew a little but there was no heartbeat. My midwife wants me to start meds to induce a miscarriage since my body isn't getting the message. She said I should not do it alone, that with the meds it will be very painful and I need someone to take care of Ethan. She also prescribed Codeine for the pain. Jason's days off are Tues/Wed so I think I'm going to just see if I miscarry naturally before then, and if not I'll start the meds Monday afternoon when Jason gets home. I hope I don't have to take them honestly, it would make me feel better about the whole situation. I also requested to have my hcg measured again, if my numbers are still going up at all I don't want to take anything to cause a miscarriage. I should have those results this morning sometime.
The clinical diagnosis of what happened is 'Spontaneous Abortion.' I really don't like that, you hear the word abortion and it is so tightly associated with people who don't want their babies, we wanted this baby, we wanted this baby so badly. This is so incredibly painful, I honestly never thought it would be this painful. How could we miss something so fiercely that we never even had??

UPDATE: Just got my hcg results from yesterday back, 1760. I know that it is not normal for my stage of pregnancy, I honestly know that. But seriously, can I not catch a break this month?? All I wanted was for my numbers to go down so I can feel comfortable causing a miscarriage... but no, they're going up. They say it's the sack producing hormones and there is no chance of a viable pregnancy. I hate, hate, hate this.

Tomorrow

I am so terrified about tomorrow. I really want to know what's going on, but I truly want to be one of the lucky few with a miracle baby. Everything is against us right now, but I still have a little hope. Right now, as it stands I am pregnant. I'm terrified that is going to ripped out from under me tomorrow, I'm scared I won't be able to handle it.
I keep having vivid awful dreams too. Last night I dreamed I woke up and the bed was soaked in blood, it was so real. I'm tired of being completely on edge. I'm just tired. I've also looked up several 7 week ultrasound pictures to know what to look for, pretty much when we go in I'm just going to be looking for something in the sack, just something. Then for that beautiful flicker, oh God please let us see a heartbeat.
I know if there is something wrong the tech mostly likely won't say anything and then go and get a Dr, but if that is the case then we won't need the Dr we'll already know the baby is gone and it'll give us a little extra time to prepare.
I know I'm rambling, please keep praying. Thanks.

Well...

I had the red spotting this morning, a little bit of brown the time after that and nothing since. (I've gone to the bathroom probably a million times.) I've also had zero cramping which I thought was associated with miscarrying. WTH? Those who have gone through this before, is this normal? I'm getting my shred of hope back though I know I shouldn't, this isn't going to end well and I know it, but it's taking so long to unfold all I can do is hope while preparing for the worst. :0(

Operation Panty Watch: (I'll keep updates here)
7.20.09- No spotting or cramping the entire day, only scant amounts of brownish CM that honestly I wouldn't have even noticed if I weren't freakishly watching the TP.
7.21.09- No cramping or bleeding. Lots of creamy CM.
7.22.09- Nothing all day, slight brown spotting right before bed.
7.23.09- Brown spotting

Red blood

I just went to the bathroom and spotted red blood. Hope is gone and so is my baby. How do people handle this?

Infant poop

The new medication Ethan is on is causing diarrhea much to the consistency of infant poo. Toddler amounts of infant poop is no fun. Just thought I'd share.

Life goes on

Dinner still needs to be made, the kitchen cleaned, the floors picked up. Ethan still needs to be played with and loved, and above all he needs normalcy. He's very sensitive to the mood of the house and gets upset when I'm upset, so I plaster a smile on my face for him and pretend like nothing is wrong. Jason and I are having such a hard time with this, I think the worst part is the unknown, if we knew for certain what was going on then we could wrap our heads around it and go from there. But we don't, we don't know, there is hopeful things out there too that keeps our hope alive. Also I read that with a retroverted uterus (like I have) it can make it harder to see things in the uterus via ultrasound in the early stages and is the cause of some misdiagnosed miscarriages. While that doesnt account for my numbers, it helps a little.
I'm doing better and holding onto hope, I've only cried once today and once yesterday and that was while taking my PNV and Expecta. I hate this limbo, I hate knowing what is most likely to happen but outwardly everything seems 'perfect.' Had I not called about the tiny bit of pink on the TP we wouldn't even know any of this and would be blissfully unaware. Funny how things work out.

One week follow up

We had Ethan's one week follow up for his double ear infection today. The ear infection is still there, the pedi said what is still there is penicillin resistant, so now we have to start him on a different kind of higher powered antibiotics. *sigh* poor little guy, he seems like he feels back to his normal self but his ears are telling a different story. We'll see if this does the trick at his follow up appt next week.

I'm not sure which is worse

Holding onto a chance so slim or waiting on a miscarriage. I feel like I need to be realistic and that holding onto a little hope is just my attempt to push off *all* the pain until later when we will know "for sure." I'm definitely grieving right now, but I'm sure it would be worse if I were bleeding right now as well, bleeding makes it final. Without the bleeding I can still hope, it's almost not real. I've also read success stories online with low numbers not doubling resulting in healthy pregnancies, that an ultrasound is better diagnostically after 5 weeks for viability than hCG tests. Also it's suppose to double in 48-72 (some even say 96) hours, mine went up ~20% in 48, so there is a little wiggle room there too. I know I'm grasping, but it's all I can do.
I have an ultrasound appointment next Thursday at 2:30. It's going to be a LONG week, that is, if nothing happens in the meantime.

Numb

My midwife finally called me back, second draw numbers are 774, first was 655. Definitely not doubling. She said she was sorry but this would "most likely not result in a baby," I'm totally devastated. I immediately started crying, I was feeding Ethan at the time when the call came in, and him seeing me cry really upset him and he started crying too and refused to eat anymore. I feel awful for upsetting him.
She said we pretty much have two options, wait till next week (when my original appt was) and do an ultrasound and see 'if the numbers lie' and just make sure things are as suspected, or to start meds now to cause a miscarriage. I'm going to wait and pray for a miracle. I need to know for sure before taking the meds. If I have to m/c I'd rather do it naturally. But right now I'm holding onto a tiny sliver of hope that the u/s will show us a true miracle, I know the odds are way agaisnt me, but it's all I have right now.

I can control it during the day, the night... not so much.

I can keep the worrying and fretting under control during the day with my rational thoughts and ways of distracting myself. Once I go to sleep though, all control is released. I probably woke up over 50 times last night with dreams of my numbers coming back lower than my first ones. My sleep was so restless and horrible. I'm really tired today. I just want to know, either way.
I have a call into the nurse right now to see if my hcg results are back from yesterdays draw... I'm scared.

Today I am pregnant, and I love this baby.

That is my motto, and I keep saying that to myself every time I feel myself start to worry. Today I AM pregnant, and I so dearly love this baby. I love this baby so much so I'm not going to let the stress overtake my body and make for a hostile growing environment. :0) I'm going to stay as calm and as relaxed as possible, because this baby, my baby, totally deserves it. Worrying won't help, so I'm trying not to give into it.
Thank you soo much for all the thoughts and prayers over the last few days, we appreciate it more than you'll ever know. It is with the help of all you that we are able to wait out this what seems like forever wait so peacefully. Thank you!

Think Doubling Thoughts!

OMGosh... we were in town for-ev-er today. We went to Bed, Bath and Beyond, BRU, Target, to lunch, to my sewing machine shop, JoAnn's, the mall, the hospital and Sam's club. I wanted to do the hospital as close to last as we could to give as much extra time as we could, lol. We did the math and since my numbers were 655 last time and we want that number to double in 48 hours that means it would have to go up ~13 an hour. :0) So by going at 4:30 instead of 11am, that means I gave myself extra time to go up about 60 units! Yaa, we're nerds like that. I'm calling for the results about noon tomorrow, hopefully they're in, I don't want to wait any longer!

*Sigh*

Guideline to hCG levels during pregnancy:

hCG levels in weeks from LMP (gestational age)* :

• 3 weeks LMP: 5 - 50 mIU/ml
• 4 weeks LMP: 5 - 426 mIU/ml
• 5 weeks LMP: 18 - 7,340 mIU/ml
• 6 weeks LMP: 1,080 - 56,500 mIU/ml
• 7 - 8 weeks LMP: 7, 650 - 229,000 mIU/ml
• 9 - 12 weeks LMP: 25,700 - 288,000 mIU/ml
• 13 - 16 weeks LMP: 13,300 - 254,000 mIU/ml
• 17 - 24 weeks LMP: 4,060 - 165,400 mIU/ml
• 25 - 40 weeks LMP: 3,640 - 117,000 mIU/ml
• Non-pregnant females: <5.0>
• Postmenopausal females: <9.5>

This still doesn't count me out but it doesn't help either though! Think doubling thoughts! :0)

HCG Results

I just called for my HCG results from yesterday, it was 655. That corresponds with 4-5 weeks pregnant she said. I'm 6 weeks today. So its low, how low I don't know. (anyone have a chart or something of the amount of HCG and # of weeks pregnant?) The real question though is are my numbers doubling. I have another blood draw tomorrow and will get those results Thursday, so some more wait and see.

Limbo

I had a little spotting last night, and about the same amount a week ago. I called today just to let them know and they wanted me to come in. I actually didn't expect that, I just wanted it noted on my chart and expected them to say take it easy, etc. So I called Jason and he got off work and met me at the hospital. They took my history and all the normal stuff, they also sent off cultures to rule out UTI or another infection as the cause of the bleeding even though I don't have any other symptoms. Then they sent me for an ultrasound. The tech kept saying that it is "such a small gestational sack" and that "there was nothing in it" and that if my dates are off then that would be completely expected. I know exactly when I ovulated though, my dates arn't off. She said Im measuring less than four weeks when in reality I'll be 6 weeks tomorrow. She also found a cyst on my cervix, which may or may not have been the cause of the bleeding. I had betas drawn and go again on Wednesday to see if my blood results correlate with my dates, and maybe the u/s was just off. We'll see, it's just a big game of wait and see. I hate this.

Pasta Time!!

Picture story telling time!

Once upon a time there was an OCD mom who raaaarely let her young son get super messy, he didn't know what he was missing so he never complained. Then one day it was bath night (and pasta night) and OCD mom decided to let her young son just have at it. After removing all his clothes, and anything else he may touch of course!


At first he had no idea what to think....


trying it out causiously, he proceded to poke around.


This is kind of fun!


Then beans were added... I'm pretty sure this is the day before the Poop and Beans incident.


All the while OCD mom cringed, how gross!


Finger lickin' good!


This new adventure made the young boy very happy...


VERY happy!


Now that dinner was over he was left to contemplate the events that just happened, pretty good, preeeeettyyy good!


After picking pasta shells and beans from the young boy's lap, he was off to his waiting bath with daddy by his side.


That stuff if hard to get off! Did OCD mom mention it stained the young boy's skin?! Yup, awesome!


Sleeping soundly after a full day!

The End.

PIP catch up

Progression of pee sticks, the first is 11 DPO I think, second is 13 DPO and third is 16 or 17 DPO. I just wanted to see if it got darker!


I got this the same time as the second stick.

Annd here is me at 5 weeks! I have one from the day I found out, three weeks, something days, and one from 4 weeks, but they all look the same so here's the most recent.

The verdict

We went to the Dr this morning because his temp was still over 102, he has a double ear infection. He's on oral antibiotics and pain relieving ear drops. Poor baby. I hope he feels better soon, his fever still hasnt completely broken, he's exhausted.

103.5

That is Ethan's temperature right now. Poor little man, I called the Dr and gave him Tylenol, they said if his fever doesn't break in an hour to take him to the Pediatric Urgent Care at the hospital. I thought it was VERY odd that he just laid and cuddled with me for 2.5 hours on the couch, he seemed warm but I thought it was because he wedged himself between me and the couch back. When we changed him I took his temp and was shocked when 103.5 popped up immediately, so shocked in fact I went and got another thermometer because the first one just had to be wrong... it wasn't. Let's hope when I take it again in 15 minutes it has started to break.

UPDATE: An hour later his temp was 101.9, if it's back up again before he goes to bed we'll take him in, hopefully that won't be needed!

UPDATE again: 3.5 hours after Tylenol its back up to 102.9, I just gave him Motrin at 4 hours after Tylenol and we'll see what that does. If anything else changes or it goes higher we're going in.

Blogging taking a backseat

I started an intense Financial Accounting course that is four weeks long on Monday the 6th (ends the 30th), OMGosh, it is very hard and soo time consuming! I'm studying/doing homework about 4 hours a day and in class 3 hours a day and I'm still super behind. There are just not enough hours in the day for this and Ethan comes first, if he's awake I'm with him. I'm done. Pray I don't fail! This class alone cost over $1000 and I would hate to lose all that money and not even pass! Oye.

Going to the moutains!

Jason gets off work in a few and we're going to my parents in the mountains for a few days! I'm so excited! We're going to go to the 4th of July rodeo in my little hometown, it's so much fun. I hope I (or Jason) doesn't slip that I'm pregnant, we don't want to tell for a while, so we'll see! Be back of the 5th!

Crap.

We went to the allergist today for Ethan. He is allergic to eggs, crap! He just started having french toast for breakfast and looooooooooves it, and now he can't have it anymore, this totally sucks! Hopefully taking eggs out of his diet will help clear up his skin though, we'll see. We go back in a month and I need to get a blood panel done on him but I think I'm going to wait till he's a little older to do that. One thing at a time!

Pregnant

That's what the test I took this morning said! While I've known this for a few days, I saved my digital for now. The funny/cool part is this is the other digital from the package that I used was from when I found I was pregnant with Ethan! Yes, I've had it that long! :0) Crazy, eh?
I'm feeling much better now and really think I just happened to be under the weather when I got my BFP, I'm super tired and my appetite is already gone, but other than that, doing great!

4w

My goal this time...

Is to not rush things and truly enjoy it all. With Ethan I was so excited for the next step, once we got there I barely took time to enjoy it till I couldn't wait for the next big thing! This could be the last time I'm ever 3 weeks pregnant, (4 tomorrow!) and I want to just enjoy each day for what it is. I want 3 kids, Jason thinks he wants only 2, so only time will tell if this is indeed my last pregnancy. I'm not saying that I won't look forward to the 2nd trimester, or movement, or showing or any of those wonderful things, but I don't want to be fixated and stuck in the "I can't wait for X" mode, I want to be about the here and now!
More importantly though, I want to enjoy every. single. second. I have alone with Ethan, this is such a special time and I want to freeze time and just hold him... if he'll let me! I worry how this will all affect him, but I believe that just knowing we are going to have to be extra sensitive to his needs and shower extra love on him once this baby gets closer and after s/he arrives will help him the most. I think he'll do awesome and we're just over thinking everything, like usual.

In other news- Ethan walked half way across the living room today before sitting down and crawling the rest of the way to me! I cried, haha!

Bittersweet....

Today, June 27, 2009 is such a wonderful day! We found out we are expecting baby #2 and couldn't be happier, but today three years ago, June 27, 2006 was one of the worst days of my life. Today three years ago I lost my dad, I never even got to say goodbye. By the time I made it to him he was already in a coma and my family put it on me to decide whether or not to pull the life support. It was not peaceful, and it is not something I'll ever get out of my head. He was such a great dad, so funny and kind. I wish so much he were here and we could share today with him, celebrate with him and not know the pain of three years ago. But it is real, so real, knock you in the stomach get physically ill real. I miss him. I love you dad.

I'll leave you with a picture of him is his "younger days" at Disneyland with Betty Boop! :0)

Two lines....

One very faint but still there.... I'm pregnant!! OMG!! Even though we were trying, and I felt like crap and I knew this was coming I am still shocked! LOL The emotions are still very ping pongy- one second happy as can be, the next scared shitless, the next nervous, etc. you get the point!
I think my main thing is Ethan, when I saw the second line my first thought wasn't for me, it was for Ethan, 'what did we just do to him?' I know he'll be fine and love his little brother or sister dearly, but now he's going to have to share me and dad, and that makes me sad. I saw this poem a while back and saved it for this day...

Loving Two

I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: how could I ever love another child as I love you?

Then he is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as you’ve never shared me before.

I hear you telling me in your own way, “Please love only me”. And I hear myself telling you in mine, “I can’t”, knowing, in fact, that I never can again.

You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again.

But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I’m afraid to let you see me enjoying him, as though I am betraying you.

But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.

More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast.

But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two. There are new times – only now, we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other.

I watch how he adores you – as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of his new accomplishments. And I begin to realize that I haven’t taken something from you, I’ve given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you.

I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong. And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you – only differently.

And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know you’ll never share my love. There’s enough of that for both of you – you each have your own supply.

I love you – both. And I thank you both for blessing my life. Author Unknown

My goodness, that makes me cry. I know everything will be okay, and I'm soo excited for this new chapter and this new baby, but I'm also a little sad and I'd like to think that is okay too.

Our dog is a FREAK.

We took all four dogs in for their vaccinations today, three of them did fine, Zoey went INSANE. The vet just pick her up and she started wailing, screaming bloody murder and going ape-shit in her hands, so they put a towel over her so they could hold her better (because she's small and so she wouldn't bite them) and while screaming and thrashing around she started pooping and peeing everywhere. She had to get two shots and they had to do them while she was moving and kicking because she just completely went off the deep end. I have a feeling she's going to be sore, a shot in each hip poor thing.
This is also the same dog on hormone therapy, which I don't know if it's working to well because she peed in Jason's truck seat today while waiting for the vet. *sigh* One thing it is doing though is making her hump our larger dog constantly. Like crazy hump, vibrating so hard and going so fast and furious it's almost funny. When we yell at her and she gets off Bailey's leg she still has 'residual humping' and is air humping for a few seconds just to slow down and stop, like I said, a FREAK.
Maybe I should try to get video, what do you think??

Dangerously Close!

Ethan is thisclose to walking! He took three steps tonight, I'm so proud of him! (He took two steps a few days ago) He doesn't fall, he just sits down and then crawls the rest of the way, I'm guess because it is much faster for him right now. He'll take a few steps then collapse in my lap and lay his head down for a few seconds then pop up to be stood up again. So, so cute! I love him so much, every time he took a step my eyes welled up with tears. I'm going to miss my baby so much, walking toddler here we come!

Whoa temp!! where ya goin'?!

Chart

Looking good so far! :0)

Yay!!

Yesterday was my birthday, the big 24, LOL. I spent the whole day working for a photographer that said it would be "2 or so hours" and ended up being from 10am till 9:30pm... 2 hours my ass! So Jason and I are calling a re-do and today is my 'birthday' :0) he made me breakfast, he's going to give me a massage and in general extra pampering! I love him!
I did get a couple things yesterday to make it a little special. Jason got me a beautiful card and flowers, my mom sent a flower arrangement in a basket and I got a ton of phone calls, texts and facebook messages wishing me a wonderful day. It was nice! What else did I get might you ask?? A positive OPK!! Eek! And it was CD 14, how much more 'normal' can you get?! I know it was drug induced but still, I'm so pumped! With Ethan on Clomid I didn't O till CD 21, which is pretty dang late for Clomid.
I did the OPK dip test, and since I've never seen a positive OPK I didn't believe it at first. I actually had to look up the directions to the OPK on the internet to confirm it was indeed positive! I thought for sure I was thinking the wrong line was the control line and I was getting my hopes up for nothing. :0) LOL So overall it was a good day!

This week's Meal Plan

• Posole
• Brats and beans
• Cowboy Bake
• Zuppa
• Chicken and Rice one dish bake
• Chicken Tortilla Soup
• Breakfast! :0) (Eggs, hash browns and either sausage or bacon!)

Meal planning is such a stress reliever and money saver! I think the two go together... anyway, yummy week coming up!

Well...

I just finished my 50mg round of Clomid. Hoping for ovulation, pregnancy would be awesome, but right now I'm just looking to O! If that happens, then watch out! Over-analysis here I come! :0)

Poop and Beans

MMmm!! Right??
No. We shall start from the beginning. I went and got Ethan up from his nap, took off his sleep sack and plopped him onto the changing pad to change his diaper. I could tell by the smell we had a twosie on our hands (Scrubs anyone??) Anyway, I undo his diaper and instead of a nice little easy to clean turdlet, there is a shit-ton (yes that was necessary) of super soft, play doughish poo. Ick. I hate these diapers, so I get a wipe, lift his tush annnd he reaches down with the speed of a jungle cat and grabs a hand full... oh shit... in every sense of the word.
I'm stunned. I don't know what to do, I have a crap covered wipe in one hand, his feet in the other hand, he has now squished his hands together so both hands are covered in his own feces. I have no place to put the poo wipe because it usually goes in the diaper, I cant finish with the diaper change because he'll eat his own crap if I don't get it off his hands, stat. Okkaayyy... I look around and see a metal play pail he has in his room, Sweet! I'll put poo wipes in there! In it goes, I then re-stick the diaper back on, poo and all and go for his hands. So. Much. Poo. I open one of his hands to clean it and beans fall out... OMG, Eww!!! He had some beans for dinner last night and apparently he didn't chew all of them, so gross. So the beans are falling out of the goop onto his chest, the floor and the changer. Then I realize I'm going to run out of wipes before he's remotely clean. So I decide to clean up the poo chunks and beans, throw them in the pail and to take Ethan to the sink to wash his hands.
****
Side story-
We bought a Boon Frog Toy Pod and I installed the sticky part this morning, and for 24 hours following that you cant even have moisture in the tub. So I couldn't put E in his bathtub with his toys and bath seat because this damn thing was still drying. The temp in there has to stay high as well for this thing to dry so I had a heater sprawled across the room and then the pod and basket from it are on the sink, just a disaster and soo in the way.
****
So I get Ethan in there, jump the heater, clear the sink a little and wash his hands while he tries to grab everything off the counter, take off his bib, shirt and socks and go back to his room to actually change his diaper. This time I occupy his hands by giving him is favorite thing to play with, his vitamin bottle. Off goes the diaper annd in goes the vitamin bottle! CRAP!!!! How the hell did that happen?!!?
So let assess. We now have crap on the hands, again. Crap on the vitamins. A still dirty diaper and a VERY happy kid. I was soo done at this point. He HAS to have a bath though he's never had one without his bath seat, (in the bathroom that I cant use the tub in) so I decide to put him in our tub and see how it goes. I half-assed cleaned his tush, took his naked butt to our bath room and start the water. I stand him next to the tub so he can bang on it and go get his soap and some toys. Come back and he's crawling around naked which of course is kind of cute! :0) I stand him back up next to the tub while I check the temp and get the toys in, then hear something. I don't even want to know at this point. I look down and he's peeing down the outside of the tub. (I know some of you may remember our bath room has freakin' carpet in it) Are you kidding??? Nope, because after he finishes he thinks it would be great to hold it a little point another direction and let it go again. Now there is pee everywhere. In the bath he goes, lathered from head to toe and rinsed. He loved it w/o the bath seat by the way! Way more stressful for me though as he wanted to stand up a lot. I get him out, dried, diapered and dressed. Then cleaned the shit pail. What a fun afternoon!

Man's Best Friend

Let look back for a moment shall we??? A moment from about a week ago...

We have four dogs (I know we're insane) so normal years vaccinations coming up- $51 ea. $204 total. We took Tiki to the vet last night and she has planus as well as an ulcer in her eye and one forming in her other eye- $45 office visit, $62 eye drops and $26 corneal stain- Total last night- $145. She has to go back in a week for a follow up (another $45) and if the ulcer hasn't got significantly better or is not gone we're off the the canine eye Dr. ($$$$$$)

We also had Zoey checked because she's now peeing in her sleep and is incontinent, she's 2. They want to do a UA on her, so needle urine collection and a urine analysis for her to start. Just the testing, about $300. OMG help me, the total is around $700. That's not including any more meds for either of the little dogs (which they'll need), and assuming there with be NO more complications with Tiki's eye's and nothing more needed for Zoey (unlikely). When it rains it POURS.

Soo, it's been a week. And the doggie verdict? Tiki's ulcer is looking better but not gone, so we're still doing the $62 a bottle eye drop every four hours, this dog is going to kill me (bank and sanity!). We are to keep this up ohhh say about a month and go back and have another look. Zoey is now on hormone replacement therapy... omg, I never thought I'd say that about a dog, let alone pay for it. Please let this make her stop peeing on everything in her sleep. Jason is thisclose to taking her out... and I'm not talking outside. Whew, this is exhausting!

CD 2!

I waited till today to confirm that yesterday was CD 1, and I'm convinced! LOL Since my body has been doing weird, 'here comes you period... PSYCH!!' games with me I thought I'd make sure the flow stayed until the next day and here we are. Cycle two is over and came in at 47 days, not to bad for me honestly. My Dr gave me the script for Clomid since my cycles are still long and I didn't get any positive OPK's for the last 2 cycles, she wants me on it. Jason and I have some thinking to do, if I should take it, or if we should wait. This is much faster than last time. I know Clomid doesn't equal a baby, it just hopefully equals ovulation and the chance for a baby, so far we haven't even gotten the chance. That's all we can ask for. Though we better decide quick, CD 5 is coming up real soon!

Happy Anniversary to meee!!!

It's been two amazing years today!! I cannot believe how much has happened in such a short amount of time and how fast it has gone by! Jason is amazing, I can't imagine being married to a more amazing man! I'm soo in love!

This is getting old

BFN. I shouldn't feel like this considering I don't even know if I ovulated, it shouldn't be so disappointing but it is. Since today is CD 40 my Dr wants to see my on Clomid next cycle. I wasn't charting but I am/was using OPK's (O after CD 30 isn't quality even if it does happen that's why I stopped) and never detected a surge though I only tested once a day so I guess I could have missed it but chances are I didn't, it just didn't happen. So we've got some thinking to do. I just wish this cycle would end already and not go as long as 'normal.'

And the weirdness continues....

**Don't read on if you don't want to read way to much about my body and lady region...

That said, I'm going to C&P what I posted on the boards a few days ago and then update.

For the last couple days I've thought AF was about to start, but it hast happened yet. Okay here's what happening... I'm having what I'd say is some EWCM and creamy for the last 2 or 3 days, but about half the time the EWCM has like a dark brown clot type thing within it (about half a pea size). So weird. It's not mixed or streaked, it's separate of each other, just one within the other. Soo anyone know what I'm talking about?? LOL I would think it would be going on to long to be implantation spotting or O spotting or whatever, but it doesn't seem like true "spotting" to me either, it's just strange!

So I had a few more 'spots' that day (the 21st) and nothing since. I was soo hoping AF was coming because that would make my cycle so much shorter than my normal, almost a normal person's normal! LOL But no. So WTH. I'm so screwy! Several people said to POAS but I havent since the 19th, I just don't think that is it. I am however going to the 26th if AF doesn't show up because it's our wedding anniversary and I might like to have a drink at dinner, and it would just be cool! (Have you noticed I'm liking to pee on things on special days lately??) Anyway, pregnant or not, I would just like this cycle to resolve!

And BFN...

:0(

I don't even know if testing is complete waste because I don't know if I even ovulated, I'm using OPK's and haven't gotten a + but could have missed the surge I guess, I'm coming up on CD 40 though so I think my time is up for this cycle. I think I'm heading in the same direction as with Ethan, but this time my Dr said she'd intervene much faster so that's good I suppose. So we'll see!

Testing Tomorrow

I know I was going to wait longer but I just realized I have a dentist appt tomorrow and might have x-rays done soo I'd like to take a little extra precaution! Most likely a BFN but just in case I don't want to fry my little guys head! Also tomorrow is Jason's birthday and that would just be cool! :0) Wish us luck! ;0)

Grades

I made straight A's this semester!
GO ME!! :0)

1st Birthday, Mother's Day and more!!

Ethan's birthday did not go as planned, but everything ended up working out anyway!
The day before Jason was suppose to be off, well he got scheduled last minute (read the day before) to work that day which put me in a tizzy trying to do all the preparation alone, bake 100 cupcakes, make cakeballs without anyone to help watch Ethan.



So early in the morning I go at it, the cupcakes needed to cool before I could ice and decorate them, did I mention I had a baby shower that day too? Well yes, I did, with food I needed to bring/make that morning as well. Oye. So I'm pouring the first batch of cupcakes into the papers and Ethan is playing on the floor. I look up and he's gone... where the heck is he?? Then it happened, the mixer went flying off the counter top (he yanked on the cord) and fell right onto his forehead. Que waterworks... from both of us. I was so overwhelmed and then this. He was hurt, the day before his birthday because I was doing stuff for his birthday. He stopped crying after about a minute but I did not. He ended up with a bump and a bruise but was other wise fine. Scared the shite out of me. We went to the surprise shower where I forgot my food and had to come all the way back home to get which made me miss the big "surprise" which ticked me off, LOL.







So I finally get home and finish baking cupcakes, put Ethan down to bed and start everything else. I ice and decorate the cupcakes, which didn't work out the way I wanted but oh well. Then make and decorate the cakeballs. I stupidly only got some prep pictures but forgot to take finished pics, they were actually VERY pretty and everyone LOOVEEDD them!



I'm finishing things up and hear Ethan, he raaarely wakes up anymore so I go in there and he is COVERED in snot. Great. And that was our night, he woke about every 15-20 minutes because he couldn't breathe and needed his nose sucked out. He was sick and soo tired and it was his birthday. Total suckage. (That morning when he woke up he had a snot helmet from rubbing his head in it then letting it dry, his hair... what little he has was rock solid!)



The next day, his birthday, we're trying to get everything set up to go to the park- we were having a BBQ! It was to start at noon and I was down there setting up at noon, I know, I'm a slacker! In our defense though NO ONE was here to help and so someone had to stay with Ethan at the house while the other went to the park, it was a bit of a dance. We wanted to keep E at the house as long as possible because he didn't feel well. Well at noon no one was there, LOL. Everyone was half an hour to an hour late except my parents who were only a few minutes late. Then everyone bitched about the food not being ready. Whatever. Anyway Jason and I were wondering where his parents were when at 1 we get a call that they were just leaving their house... THREE hours away! Wow. Really?? How long did they think the party was going to last?! So yes, they missed it. Asshats. (there's a lot of history here I'm not going into now!) We decide to just do Ethan's cupcake and go home, he wasn't crying but he was super clingy which isn't like him, he just didn't feel good.





Not impressed, LOL.



He seemed to kind of like it but was so tired and had no energy to even play in it. Poor little man. Though he was getting a kick out of my mom trying to give him water out of the bottle!



Other than that he just hung out with me or daddy while we were there. He usually loooves to go with other people, but today wasn't the day for that!



We went home soon after, brought his gifts to the house and let him open them the next day. He was thrilled with all the paper!! (and some of the toys, ha!)



Here's a video of him with the toy mommy and daddy got him!



He loves it!! It's really helping him to walk too! He's much better at it than I can get on video, but you get the idea!

Mother's Day!!

Ethan seemed to feel a bit better though his nose was still running like crazy. We decided to go to the Symphony at the Zoo for a few hours.



The music was great, though it was SUPER crowded and hot!! I didn't expect there to be quite that many people! Here's my mom and step dad enjoying the tunes!



And Ethan digging for Puffs and Melts...



Here's Jason with Ethan asleep in his car seat after the Zoo, his hat was over his face, which we thought was funny, the kid was pooped!



We went with my parents and Jason's parent so it ended up being a great Mother's Day!

When we got home we did the other portion of Ethan's birthday gift from my parents. My step dad built a form to put concrete in and to put Ethan's hands and feet in. We are going to to it every year and put them as stepping stones through our garden. I think it will be really cool to see to progression from year to year!

Waiting for the concrete to firm up with mamo and grandpa!





Still waiting... with his pants on his head!



He was NOT impressed!! He didnt like it at all! I'm hoping next year it'll be much more fun for him!







Mom writing in his name and the date.





Now for Ethan's favorite part of the day!! Bath time!! I love my little helmet head! We stick as many letters to him as possible and he doesn't care, he doesnt even take them off! LOL!!





My baby is a toddler, how crazy is that?!?!