June revisited

So I went back to when I found out I was pregnant the second time, before we knew that something was wrong, before our world was turned upside down. While it wasn't the last time I would be pregnant, I still plan to do the same thing this time as I set out to do last time and didn't have the chance. So excited for the journey! Here is the entry from June-

Is to not rush things and truly enjoy it all. With Ethan I was so excited for the next step, once we got there I barely took time to enjoy it till I couldn't wait for the next big thing! This could be the last time I'm ever 3 weeks pregnant, (4 tomorrow!) and I want to just enjoy each day for what it is. I want 3 kids, Jason thinks he wants only 2, so only time will tell if this is indeed my last pregnancy. I'm not saying that I won't look forward to the 2nd trimester, or movement, or showing or any of those wonderful things, but I don't want to be fixated and stuck in the "I can't wait for X" mode, I want to be about the here and now!
More importantly though, I want to enjoy every. single. second. I have alone with Ethan, this is such a special time and I want to freeze time and just hold him... if he'll let me! I worry how this will all affect him, but I believe that just knowing we are going to have to be extra sensitive to his needs and shower extra love on him once this baby gets closer and after s/he arrives will help him the most. I think he'll do awesome and we're just over thinking everything, like usual.


And here is the poem that chokes me up and leaves me in tears every time.

Loving Two

I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: how could I ever love another child as I love you?

Then he is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as you’ve never shared me before.

I hear you telling me in your own way, “Please love only me”. And I hear myself telling you in mine, “I can’t”, knowing, in fact, that I never can again.

You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again.

But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I’m afraid to let you see me enjoying him, as though I am betraying you.

But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.

More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast.

But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two. There are new times – only now, we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other.

I watch how he adores you – as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of his new accomplishments. And I begin to realize that I haven’t taken something from you, I’ve given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you.

I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong. And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you – only differently.

And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know you’ll never share my love. There’s enough of that for both of you – you each have your own supply.

I love you – both. And I thank you both for blessing my life. Author Unknown