Today is my first appt!

Typically boring, I know, but I'm still excited yet quite nervous at the same time. I had scant bleeding on Monday and HORRIBLE cramping Saturday. Im talking stop what your doing, doubled over, can't breathe, cramping. I'm hoping with that, the previous m/c that my body didn't catch and with how long we'd been trying she'll order an u/s. I just need to know everything is on track, that we'll looking good for this point in the game. I hope we can get some sort of re-assurance, that would be so nice.
After the appt we are planning to take Ethan to the Aquarium, he loves it there and we havent taken him in a while. My appt is at 3:30 and the aquarium closes at 5, so I hope we can make it! I'll update when I can! :0)

So different

So I was thinking about the different feelings I have with this pregnancy than I did with the previous one (the miscarriage). While I was over the moon to be pregnant last time, I was so worried about Ethan, how would he take it? Would he feel betrayed? Less loved? Those feelings just panged me with pain and guilt. Realistically I knew he would be fine, but I worried so, so much. This time I am so at peace with it, I know there will be a struggle while adjusting (for all of us!), but Im not worrying anymore and it is a wonderful feeling! Im also not in a rush, Im content being 4 weeks pregnant, Im in no hurry. With Ethan I couldn't wait to get to the finish line, this time I want to enjoy every second before we get there. This could be the lat time I am pregnant and I want to relish it and soak it all in. Im enjoying the here and now and it's a good place to be!

Better??

This was taken this morning at 16 DPO, I love how the line is now darker than the control!! I really wanted to take another after how faint the last line was but I went to visit my mom for 5 days and didn't want to take any tests, so this morning was the earliest I could do it. It makes me giddy happy! I'm pregnant!!

June revisited

So I went back to when I found out I was pregnant the second time, before we knew that something was wrong, before our world was turned upside down. While it wasn't the last time I would be pregnant, I still plan to do the same thing this time as I set out to do last time and didn't have the chance. So excited for the journey! Here is the entry from June-

Is to not rush things and truly enjoy it all. With Ethan I was so excited for the next step, once we got there I barely took time to enjoy it till I couldn't wait for the next big thing! This could be the last time I'm ever 3 weeks pregnant, (4 tomorrow!) and I want to just enjoy each day for what it is. I want 3 kids, Jason thinks he wants only 2, so only time will tell if this is indeed my last pregnancy. I'm not saying that I won't look forward to the 2nd trimester, or movement, or showing or any of those wonderful things, but I don't want to be fixated and stuck in the "I can't wait for X" mode, I want to be about the here and now!
More importantly though, I want to enjoy every. single. second. I have alone with Ethan, this is such a special time and I want to freeze time and just hold him... if he'll let me! I worry how this will all affect him, but I believe that just knowing we are going to have to be extra sensitive to his needs and shower extra love on him once this baby gets closer and after s/he arrives will help him the most. I think he'll do awesome and we're just over thinking everything, like usual.


And here is the poem that chokes me up and leaves me in tears every time.

Loving Two

I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: how could I ever love another child as I love you?

Then he is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as you’ve never shared me before.

I hear you telling me in your own way, “Please love only me”. And I hear myself telling you in mine, “I can’t”, knowing, in fact, that I never can again.

You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again.

But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I’m afraid to let you see me enjoying him, as though I am betraying you.

But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.

More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast.

But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two. There are new times – only now, we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other.

I watch how he adores you – as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of his new accomplishments. And I begin to realize that I haven’t taken something from you, I’ve given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you.

I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong. And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you – only differently.

And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know you’ll never share my love. There’s enough of that for both of you – you each have your own supply.

I love you – both. And I thank you both for blessing my life. Author Unknown

:0)

Do you see that?!?! If not, it's okay, it's SUPER faint but I promise, it is there!!! I got an even more faint line yesterday at 9 DPO, please let this be our sticky baby!!!

Look what I just ordered!!

Yahoo!!! I just ordered the SB 900 and got it for free! SOO pumped! I logged into my bank account and realized my credit card points were going to expire, like today. LOL So I redeemed them for a speedlite! So cool, and SO unexpected! My learning curve just went from a normal mountain to Everest, but I'm still excited to continue learning and to be able to add something else in when needed. This thing is going to be great, especially during this dark dreary winter!

WooHoo!!!

I think I might have just gotten a PT job as a photographer!!!!! The hours are in the evening, so no childcare needed.

Backstory- I was in the mall one day and there was a guy handing out fliers for a studio he was opening up, I told him I wasnt interested in a flier, but we ended up talking. I said I was getting into photography and had an aspiration of one day opening my own business. Well he asked about what and how I shoot etc. and I told him Im TOTALLY just starting out, but told him about where I'd like to be, and the type I'd like to do. (lifestyle) He asked for my info and said he would like to offer me a job as one of their photographers once he opens the studio, that there is all on site training, equipment is provided, etc. Great! I gave him my info. This was like August I think. Never heard from him. So I figured he found someone else, that needed less training, whatever.

Well he called today!! Said he saved my info all these months cause he thinks I would be a good fit. It is PT but that is perfect. They closed on their lease for the studio yesterday, they have some set up to do I'll go in and go through all my paperwork with him and the other photographer in 1-2 weeks. Hope this works out, it would be so nice to have some extra money and be doing something I love and getting more experience without leaving Ethan with anyone! WOOT!

This would be great for paying off debt, depending on the pay (and when I get pregnant) we may be able to pay off all debt except the mortgage before a second baby would arrive. 9 months from now may be cutting it close, but if it takes us longer to get pregnant then that'll give us more time. :0) Hopefully I like it, lol.

I have crosshairs...

Let the craziness begin!

Ugh, slap me.

1 year of TTC and one miscarriage has made me a bitter betty. I now find myself not feeling happy for people when they get pregnant and I know that is horrible. I especially have a hard time finding happy feelings for those saying, 'It was just a huge surprise! We weren't even trying!' I know I'll get pregnant again, I know it. So I just need to get a grip and be happy for others even though we arent there yet ourselves. I just had to get that out there, that is step one of conquering my crappy feelings!

Cookies for Santa

It has been a LONG time (or at least it seems like it has been) since I shared Ethan photos! Day before yesterday I did a little shoot with Ethan here at the house, it was quite late and there wasn't enough light, so it didn't turn out like I would have hoped. I still got some cute ones though! Totally mommy-goggles, but I love him!! He wasn't really having it and kept getting up and running away, he also wouldn't eat the cookies! Weirdo!





What a weird way to stand/sit... that is how he checks things out, Jason says all he needs is a magazine, LOL.









Love his stinky little face here!















And a funny out-take! Jason had just walked by and Ethan started flailing around like crazy to show off for daddy!

Merry Christmas!

Wow.

We went to the mountains to spent the weekend with my mom. We left Thursday and got back last night. It was a great time except one thing... I was getting ready to give Ethan a bath and he was standing next to me as I temped the water. He started headbanging (he does this a LOT) because he was excited to get in and hit his face on the side of the tub and broke out half of his front tooth. I freaking feel HORRIBLE. He barely cried, but I lost it. I cant believe that happened to him and two inches from me. I feel like the worst mother EVER. So today we took him to the pediatric dentist and he said E's teeth are really loose (both fronts) and that he broke off two layers off tooth and barely missed the nerve. So we have to go back in two weeks to see if the teeth are healing (getting less loose) if not one or both have to be extracted. If they do heal then he has to have the chipped tooth filled in and molded so when he grows the nerve doesnt become exposed. This is SO emotionally exhausting.

Back on Clomid for me

I went to the Dr today since this month marks a year of trying. She says she thinks I have an atypical presentation of PCOS, but we can't be sure. So I got a script for Clomid, lucky for me I started my period this morning, so I'll be started the Clomid soon! Let's hope this is our cycle. I've had 2 friends that I started TTC before already have their babies, and my sister is due next month, we were TTC together too. I'm so ready to be done trying and to just be pregnant. Then on to the 9 month wait! :0) I'm hopeful.

Something that made me feel a little better

I just knocked 5 more things off my 101 Things list! That feels good! Link is to the right if anyone is interested. :0)

:0(

DH left today to go hunting, I'll be alone for a week. Last time he left someone tried to break into our house... carrying a gun and a toddler while looking for someone in our house while the alarm blared was one of the most terrifying things Ive done.

I got a BFN this morning. This month marks a year of trying.

Ethan was being a pill, he was sweet as usual, but totally into EVERYTHING.

There is a huge snow storm the the mountains DH is going hunting in, I have this crushing feeling in my chest that he and his brother are going to die out there.

I keep crying at the drop of a hat and really need something to distract me and to occupy my mind for a while.

Gah. Now Im crying again.

18 months

Really!? Is he really that old?! Has it really been 18 looooongg/short months since I gave birth to a tiny little 7 pound 1 ounce baby boy? Well one thing is for sure, he's not my baby anymore, he's turning into such a little boy, not much baby left. It makes me so, so sad. He is now a 27 pound (yes, 27!) ball of giggles and fury. He is all over the place exploring and learning, and having fun. I miss my baby boy, :0( but am loving the little man he's turning into.