Scariest moment

Ethan fell down the stairs from the top landing.  We were going up to change his diaper, and he flipped out at the top because he thought he was going to bed and slipped out of my hands and went tumbling down the stairs.  I chased after his rolling body screaming his name.  I wanted so badly to catch him before he hit the gate but I couldn't.  He hit the gate with his head and butt and crashed through it and rolled into the living room.  The entire fall he was silent, but when he stopped rolling he started SCREAMING.  I was almost scared to pick him up in case something was broken but he started trying to get up so I snatched him up and just held him while he cried.

I laid him down on the bed to check him out and see if there was anything immediately that would indicate we needed to go to the hospital but there was nothing.  He just wanted to be held and he stopped crying within a few minutes.  A few minutes later he asked for medicine so I know he's going to be sore.  I was so terrified I can't even explain it.  Just thinking about it fills my eyes with tears thinking about what could have happened and how lucky he was that he is perfectly fine.  He also had no clue why I kept checking him out and hovering around him, I think he just wanted me to go away after a while, lol.

Hold on to your boots, it's gonna be a long one!!

We have had SO much going on, and SO many changes lately my blog has been completely neglected.  I hate when that happens because then I have a lot I want to say and document and share and I forget half of it and the other half just gets condensed.  So Im going to just try to get it all out and not leave to much out while doing so.  :0)

What's the biggest change might you ask??  I mean I just had a baby, and I have a toddler- that's pretty big in itself so what could be bigger?  We moved to Colorado!  Yup, that was quick.  

Jason had a job interview when Lance was 3 weeks (maybe 4 weeks) old, he came up for an interview and a few days later had a job offer.  He accepted and his start date was 15 days later!!  We had to get the house on the market, and the house packed up with a toddler and an infant and move to another state in 2 weeks.  It sucked.  We hired movers to pack the PODS for us, that was such a help but a pretty penny too.  Though I know we just couldnt have done it ourselves.  Even without the kids in the picture, some of our furniture is just to heavy for just the two of to have handled.

We are staying with a friend up here until our house sells, all our stuff is packed into PODS and in storage until we can get our own place again.  We just cant afford our mortgage in NM, and rent up here.  It's just not possible.  Living with someone else without most of your things is really hard.  REALLY hard.  We have a curious, crazy toddler and an infant.  Need I say more??  Add on the fact that the friend we are staying with is a 30 year old bachelor who doesnt have kids, or any experience with kids and we're in a tight spot.  He just has such unrealistic expectations of the kids, especially Ethan.  We're working on it though and it is getting better so that is good.

Ethan is doing fantastic, no lashing out and even a transition period that I could identify.  To him it seemed like nothing changed, like we didnt move, like everything was the same.  As long as he had us and a bed and a few things he recognized, he was all good.  The kid is amazing.

Lance is doing awesome as well.  Still sleeping through the night 8-9 hours typically and happy as can be.  He is giggling now and it. is. SO. CUTE!!  He is just so dang happy it swells me with so much pride it hurts.  He's so perfect, and gorgous, and sweet, and wonderful, and... well he's everything, absolutely everything to me!  

Ethan is still doing great with Lance too, still no jealously or anything like that, he loves his bother.  He loves kissing on him and telling me what Lance is doing and trying to make him smile.  I cant believe how incrediably lucky I am.  I have two perfect sons, two perfectly happy, loving and beautiful sons.  How awesome is that?!

I wish I could share some recent pictures but I don't have anywhere to set up my computer (Im on my laptop now which doesnt have the space for uploading big picture files).  I have some cute ones of the boys and I feel the need to show off Lance's big baby blues!  Yup, his eyes are still blue and sooo beautiful.  The Dr thinks they may stay blue too just because of how they look, but we'll see.  Im hoping we can find a place to get my iMac set up so I can show off my babies but until then you'll just have to take my word for it, they are gorgous.  :0)

The second time around...

I cannot believe how much different having Lance is from having Ethan.  They are pretty much the exact same, Lance is Ethan's 'infant' spitting image.  Right down to the times Lance eats, how he acts, demeanor, temperament, everything.  Lance is JUST like Ethan was as a baby.  The only difference is Lance can latch on to breastfeed and Ethan couldn't, I had to exclusively pump for him.  

All that said, I am enjoying the babyhood of Lance SOO much more.  I'm not rushing things, I'm not wishing this time away in favor of solid foods, crawling and first words.  I'm loving every second of this and truly could not wish it away.  Even being up in the middle of the night I enjoy, I love watching him and holding him and having 'us' time.  I wish so much I didn't look forward to everything else with Ethan and would have been more in the moment with him, I'm doing that now, I'm not letting anything get away anymore.  I know the time goes way to fast and whatever is down the road will get here way to quickly and I need to enjoy the here and now because it'll be gone before I know it. 

Momma's hold your babies tight, enjoy them as they are now!  This time is gone so fast, hold on as tight as you can. 

Having two

I was so worried about having two children.  How could I possibly love another child a fraction the amount I love Ethan?  How could I share my heart with another child when Ethan already holds the entire thing? How?? 

I've learned that they don't share, the boys don't compete for anything.  I didn't even know before his arrival that I had a Lance shaped hole in my heart, and that with his birth I was complete.  Ethan doesn't have to share at all and Lance fits right in like the perfect puzzle piece.  I love them both equally and separately. I don't feel the pull like I thought I would, the ache I thought I would experience when I loved Lance and thought it would have to come 'from' my love for Ethan.  Like I would have to love Ethan a little less to love Lance, that my heart couldn't expand any more, for a lack of a better way of describing it.     

But instead my love for Ethan has exploded because of my love for Lance.  Crazy how that works.  Seeing him as a big brother and how caring and loving he is toward Lance completely swells my heart every time.  Before we even get him out of the crib in the morning he's asking to 'see baby,' he kisses him all day, has to know where Lance is at all times, when he cries he tells he 'baby's crying, hungry' and gets me my boppy.  He loves to sit next to me and just stare at Lance and tell me what he's doing.  Ethan is honestly an amazing big brother.  I can't wait to watch their relationship grow. 

Who knows what the future holds, I don't know if I have another child shaped hole in my heart waiting undetected.  We most likely are done having children, I would like one more though Jason is really hesitant, we'll see when we get there.  But there is one thing that is for sure, if we do have another I will not question my ability to love that child, and I know Ethan and Lance will not suffer for it.  It's an amazing feeling to watch your heart grow right in front of your eyes.  For all of you worried about having a second child wipe that worry off your list, I promise it'll be the most amazing experience of your life! 

Pictures!

Here are a few pictures I got of Lance!  I only only got a few because he just wasn't having it that day, Im planning to try again sometime to get a few more, hopefully my little man will sleep for me next go'round!  Enjoy!

I just wanted to add

I meant to add this to my birth story, but forgot.  I wanted to throw out there for myself and anyone else before momnesia sets in and I still remember things quite clearly, I wouldn't do it differently!  Well, I suppose I would.  I wouldn't get the epi and save that money, lol.  While it was painful and crazy I really did love it, and am so glad it is something I got to experience.  :0)

My Birth Story

9/10/10-
While watching some TV with Jason and Ethan I noticed I was getting painful contractions pretty frequently so I asked Jason to go get the laptop so I could use Contraction Master to start timing them.  They were averaging a minute long and 4-4 ½ apart.  So after a little more of the show we got up and started getting things ready.  Cleaned the house up the rest of the way, finished packing and getting things together as well as putting Ethan to bed, if this was it he needed some sleep before we got out the door.  I finished some laundry and started timing again, they were a little more intense and now 3 ½ - 4 minutes apart.  We laid down and tried to rest, Jason slept, I obviously did not.  Around 12:30 I decided to get up and start getting ready to go.  We got the car packed and after two calls to the hospital and no return call we decided to just leave as my contractions were intensifying quickly.  So we got Ethan in the car and off we went!

9/11/10-
The car ride kind of sucked, laboring in that position was painful.  Between contractions I was laughing and joking with Jason but during them I was in some good pain, they were 3 minutes apart.  We got to the hospital and Jason dropped me off at the front and went on to set Ethan up at his brothers and put him back to bed.  I went to triage and was put up in a room and left to wait.  The contractions were getting pretty serious and I was having a hard time getting through them and preferred to labor sitting cross-legged in the bed.  The midwife came in and checked me and said I was 6cm, 100% effaced and super stretchy, though his head was still floating and not staying down, that when she’d touch it he’d just float away.  She said they were admitting me and that they’d get me a room.  While waiting for the room Jason got there and held my hand and helped me through the pain.  Around 3:15 they got me in a room, standing and walking through the contractions made them SO much worse, that was unexpected!  They had to start an IV and give me a bag of fluids and take blood work before I could get the epidural.  They tried to start the IV in one hand and blew my vein, they tried in the other hand and blew it again but not without trying some other things that made so much fluid build up that when they finally gave up it looked like there was a little plum stuck under my skin on the top of my hand, so they finally ended up putting the IV in the back of my arm.  This all was extremely painful and very hard to take on top of the contractions, not to mention they were blowing a vein in one arm while the tech was taking blood from the other and I was having a contraction.  It was a bit of an overload!  They said it would be about 15-20 minutes before I could get the epi.  After about 15 or so minutes the anesthesiologist came in and we started to process to get the epidural, they let Jason stay this time and I was SO thankful!!!  It really wasn’t bad, nothing compared to the damn IV.  I laid back and about a minute or two later I felt a pop and blam! My water broke all over the bed, there was so, so much fluid and just kept coming out.  The nurse changed the towels under me and then a lot more fluid came out.  The nurse called the MW and said my water broke and asked if she wanted to come check me, the MW said she’ll wait for the epi to kick in first.  Then all of a sudden I was laying on my side and I realized I was pushing, and I couldn’t stop.  The nurse looked at me and said ‘are you pushing?!’  I nodded and she started yelling at me to stop and all I could whimper was “I can’t!, I can’t!”  I heard her calling for my MW and for some additional assistance as I kept pushing.
The “urge to push” everyone talks about is more than that.  It is more than an urge, it is mandatory, you don’t have a choice, you are PUSHING.  You can’t stop, the pain is horrendous and yet you cannot stop.  Trust me I wanted to, I want to stop and wait for the epi to kick in, but I simply couldn’t.   I was laying on my side and pushing with all my might, even though I was pushing I did NOT want to open my legs or to roll over to my back.  Kind of a strange position to be in to be having a baby I might add.  After a few pushes and after he was about to crown I felt the worst pain yet, it was a pain in my left hip that felt like it was being ripped off, the pain was unbearable and yet I kept pushing.  I got a few breaks that seemed to last 10 seconds or so, then all of a sudden he was crowning and holy crap, the pressure and pain from that was something else.  After the head was out they told me to push again to which I said “can’t you just pull him out!?” haha!  My MW said, “um, no.  You need to push!”  And with one (maybe two?) more pushes there he was and oh so beautiful.  Jason was amazing through it all.  I could tell by the tone of his voice he was a little scared, not scared, scared, but helpless scared, his calm voice talking to me and bending over to be close to me really did help, he was my rock.  The baby came out amazingly clean, they barely even had to clean him, just dry him off.  He didn’t cry no matter what they did to him, jiggle him, slap his little feel a bit, rub his back, nothing.  He was perfectly content to just sit there on my chest.  Then he proceeded to poop, he really was that comfy.  ;0) After Jason cut the cord he stayed on my chest for at least another 20-30 minutes before they took him to do his assessment and weigh him.  While still on my chest they did my post birth care, checked for tears which I didn’t have any of this time thank goodness, and delivered the placenta which wasn’t to bad.  I didn’t want to push, the urge to push was GONE, but one little half hearted push and it was out.  When the midwife was checking out the placenta she said it was a little strange (not in a bad way) because it had an extra lobe. 
Then they took him to weigh him and he was 6 pounds, 14 ounces, just a little bit smaller that his brother who weighed 7 pounds, 1 ounce.  Both were 20 inches long.  They noticed he was grunting a bit and said that because he came so fast he had wet lungs because he didn’t have a lot of time coming out to squeeze the fluid off.  They brought in a machine to put him on and monitor his oxygen levels, they were high so they weren’t to worried about it.  When I got him back we tried to nurse, I was nervous about it since Ethan couldn’t latch and I had to exclusively pump for 9 weeks before he could even begin to latch.  That wasn’t the case though, after a few tries he was on and nursing like a champ.  After initially nursing he fell into his recuperative sleep, which lasted about 7 or 8 hours I think.  He slept forever and we eventually ended up waking him up to eat.  At this point he was still grunting and he went back on the machine just to be sure his oxygen levels were staying up, he was running between 98 and 100% so they said he just was still in transition and that it should stop within the first 12 hours of life. 
As for me, this delivery though natural and fast, I wouldn’t have any other way.  And recovery is a complete 180 from Ethan, from the moment after delivery (when the contractions stopped, lol) I felt pretty dang good.  I wasn’t sore and was barely swollen.  With Ethan I wasn’t to sore but I was horrendously swollen, it was bad.  This time there wasn’t crazy bleeding (though there was/is still a lot) but Im not gushing all over the floor like with E and overall it was just easier.  That was a welcome surprise!  The most painful part is actually the two spots where they blew my veins before getting me in the back of the arm.  They are both still extremely tender and hurt when touched.  A couple days ago the areas around the spots turned green and on my left hand two of my knuckles started to turn black from the reabsorbing blood.  I truly hate IV’s!
We are loving life as a family of four and cannot believe how incredibly lucky we are to have two amazing sons.  We are so blessed and are looking forward to forever with each other.

Baby boy now has a name!

Introducing Lance Declan :0) we took a bit longer but we just wanted it to be right.  We finally got there!  Tomorrow we will call it in and make it official! 

He's here!!

Baby boy was born on September 11 perfect and healthy!  Im working on finishing my birth story now, but wanted to write little about his first few days before it gets to fuzzy.  Here is something I wrote to a friend while in the hospital,

Im jumping on the computer while Jason is putting Ethan down and baby boy is sleeping next to me.  He's still grunting and making noise because of his lungs but overall is doing well.  He's not nursing often at all, just not hungry I guess.  They say that is common for the first 24 hours or so.  He is so beautiful, just like his brother.  Ethan is doing great and has been by twice today to visit, he loves looking at his brother in the bassinet and pointing and telling us, 'baby brother sleeping!'  Though every time we ask him if we're going to take baby brother home he says no, lol. 

I was only in the hospital for about a day and a half, but it was hard.   Jason was amazing in juggling keeping things normal for Ethan and coming and staying with me and being with the baby.  Though when he wasnt there I was lonely and missed him and Ethan terribly.  I really just wanted to go home.  Baby boy slept great that night in the hospital, and just like his brother was he was only up once at night, at 3am to eat and then back to sleep until around eight, it was nice!  

The first night home on the other hand was miserable.  He was up the entire night wanting to nurse about every 15 minutes.  My milk hadn't come in yet and I think he was just plain hungry, not starving, but not comfy enough to sleep.   I was miserable, it hurt so bad and I felt so bad that I just didn't have what he needed.  About 2:30am we broke and Jason went to the store and bought some formula and he took about half an ounce (this is how we know he wasnt starving, he would have taken more if he were) and he slept for about two hours.  Jason passed out cold, I have such a hard time sleeping anyway I barely rested.

The next day my milk came in and Oh My Goodness... my boobs were INSANE.  I have such a huge supply and he's eating so little that they were huge and hard and quite painful.  The best way to describe it is they felt like sand with rocks mixed in, the lumps and ducts were SO hard and tender, just lifting my arms hurt.  I was so afraid of clogged ducts, and potentially developing mastitis from being so engorged.  Right now though (he is 7 days old today) things are much better, there are still hard spots but overall my supply is regulating.  The first few days after it came in I was literally drowning him in milk, while he was nursing milk would come pouring out of his nose  :0(  I'd have to detach him so he could breathe but he wasn't fond of that!  That hasnt happened in about 2 days so I think that is a good sign!  Of course the beginning is incredibly painful and I've had some cracked and bleeding (not bad) nipples, though that is getting better too and I dont feel like crying when I nurse anymore.  Also the cramping while nursing has completely calmed down, for the first few days the cramping while nursing completely took my breath away.  They were something I would totally equate with the contractions I was having around 5cm, they were rough to say the least, thank goodness they didnt hang around more than a couple days! 

He is now sleeping better and if I lay him next to me he has a 5.5 hour stretch of sleep at night which is great, especially for his age.  We're working on getting him to sleep in the bassinet but he just doesnt like it, though every night he's sleeping longer and longer in there before he needs to be picked up.  Last night was a little over 2 hours!  Right now we have an arrangement because even though I doze with him next to me in bed I dont sleep well, Im to paranoid.  So when he wakes up I feed him and Jason takes him into the living room to hold him where he'll sleep a couple more hours being held and I get to get some uninterrupted sleep.  It's not ideal but it is working for now, hopefully he'll sleep in his bassinet for the night soon and we'll all be able to sleep where we belong.  Im really hoping we can get that straightened out a little more before Jason has to go back to work, he is taking 3 weeks off so we have some time. 

In the hospital on the day we were discharged they tested his bili at 9.6 and told us to follow up with our Dr the next day to see if she wanted us to have additional testing, we did and she did want blood tests done.  :0(  My hormones cannot handle them doing that to him, my heart absolutely breaks when he cries and I cry with him.  The numbers came back at 10.9 on 9/13 and we had to do it again the next day to determine if we needed to start treatments, but it went down to 7.5!  We were in the clear!  

We spent our first night in the ER with the baby last night (9/17) because it appeared that his umbilical cord had become infected.  It was bulging flesh and had a foul odor.  When we got there the nurse cleaned it so vigorously that she ripped the rest of the stump off, he was crying so hard.  :0(  They determined that there wasn't an infection and the odor was from something else, just "stuff" I guess.  It was scary though.  Mainly because we were in the ER and I was afraid of him catching something there.  We first went to the pediatric urgent care and they closed early due to high activity.  I cried as a nurse was walking in and got her to take a quick look and she said we should go the the ER, that it didnt seem right, thank goodness it was nothing though.  

Overall we are loving every sleepless moment and can't believe a week has already past since he was born.  It is already going to quickly.  I want to soak in every ounce of his sweet newborn-ness and he's already growing up on me.  Ethan is so amazing and loves being with and seeing his baby brother, he always wants to check on him and see him and know what he is doing and know where he is at.  Jason, I don't even have a word to describe Jason.  He is my everything and I honestly couldn't do this without him.  We are truly the perfect team and he is so attentive to me and the boys.  He is making sure that Ethan is getting all the attention he deserves and doesnt feel left out, he is taking amazing care of me and is the best father in the world to both of them.  He is up in the middle of the night just to be with me and doing everything possible during the day too.  I dread the day he goes back to work, I want him and need him here with me.  It's going to be a hard transition but as overwhelming as it feels to even think about, I know I'll make it through because of him.  

There is so much more I want to say, but I'll save it for another day.  

Progress

Nope, not in the nursery, haha, that is still empty.  As of yesterday I'm 2cm, 75% effaced and "super stretchy and soft" I had Ethan at 38w 5d and at my 38 week appt with him those were my exact stats!  Crazy, eh??  So we'll see, maybe we'll have a baby soon! 

And a picture, yesterday at 38 weeks-

I really wish

our baby had a name, LOL!  That's all for now... ;0)

The best laid plans...

sometimes actually work out!  Shocking right??  At the beginning of this pregnancy I vowed to try to really enjoy the here and now and not just look forward to the next step all the time.  I think I have really done that, I have truly enjoyed this pregnancy and here I am at 37 weeks and not ready for it to end.  I want to hold him on the inside longer, feel him move and keep him safe with me.  I'm sure it helps that I'm not super uncomfortable, haven't gained much weight (+9 lbs) and am in general feeling really good, but I'd also like to think that the way I'm feeling has a little to do with my attitude towards the end of all this.  I'm okay if he's late, I'm in no hurry, he can come when he's ready.  It's just so bittersweet, I don't want it to end.  Though with that end is a new beginning and oh, the possibilities!!     

My poor little man

Ethan caught something from the neighbor (dont even get me started on that) about a week ago and he got sick.  Super runny nose and a little coughing/sneezing, but nothing to bad.  Yesterday when he got up he had a 102 fever, so I thought it was just something that came with the little cold he had and gave him something to bring down his temp.  After his nap I took his temp again and it was 103.5 but he was acting totally normal so I didnt medicate him and decided to let the fever fight whatever was going on since Ethan wasnt bothered by it.  After a few hours he was feeling warmer and starting to slow down, so I took it again and it was 105.  Off to the pediatric urgent care we went.  When we got there the nurse took his temp in the arm pit and got 100.5, I said I wanted rectal and she looked at me like I was a paranoid mom and kind of rolled her eyes and said we'd do it later. I had them do it when we got a room (about 10 minutes later) and his temp was 105.5, I hate under arm temps! They are never accurate for Ethan!  Turns out he has a bad bilateral ear infection and strep.  The ear infections are from all the drainage from his cold most likely and he picked up strep because his immune system was depressed from fighting the EI's.  Poor little guy!  He wanted to go home so bad when we were there last night and kept crying 'bye, bye' cause he wanted to leave.  His temp today is keeping around 103, almost 104.  They said he should be feeling better and the fever should stay down around 24 hours after starting the antibiotic which was at 11 last night.  He's not eating anything but he is drinking a fair amount so that is good.  I hope he starts feeling better soon, I hate seeing him sick and feeling crumby.  :0(

Finally accomplishing something!

The nursery painting is done!  The tape still needs to be pulled and touch-ups need to be done, but the majority is finished!  

I was having some decent contractions this morning that if they continued another 30 minutes or so I was going to go to the hospital.  Since Im 35 weeks today (my ticker is 2 days behind) they wouldnt stop my labor.   That got me thinking that I havent cleaned anything up from Ethan for this baby!  So that is what I did today, cleaned the carseat and all its infant inserts (omg, they are so small!), the pack-n-play with its bassinet and floor mat, (which had stains all over it because Ethan is/was a drool monster) and next Im doing the swing fabric.  I also have all the NB and 0-3 clothes in the dryer right now.  Im going to fold them into a big bin and if we move they will be packed and ready to go and if not then at least they have a place to be until we get the closet organizer in and I can put things away in his room.  I just hate doing all this not knowing if we're moving to another state in a few weeks... this week needs to be over so we can get some answers already.  Im sure Im forgetting something too, I just all of a sudden have this strong urge to be more ready that we are right now.  I'll have Jason put the base in the car soon and I'll start getting my bag together sometime this week hopefully.  Then maybe I won't feel so behind.

33 weeks and...

I just cleared the nursery tonight and got half the taping done. I am SO behind.  We are going out of town to visit Jason's parents and getting maternity/family photos done this weekend, so hopefully paint will be up in less than a week.  We are not even close to having everything bought and even farther from ready in general.

Wanna know the cherry on top??  :0)  Jason is on his third interview for a job in Denver, this is going to be the in-person one and he's leaving for it in about two weeks.  If he gets the job we'll be moving when Im around 38 weeks... I had Ethan at 38 weeks.  So this could be fun!  Cross you fingers for him though!  We both really want this.  (Just not the best timing is all.)