Breastfeeding...

It's the most natural process in the world and everyone can do it!! If you ever hear anyone say that throat-punch them for me, MmKay?? Thanks. Well, I agree with part of that, just about anyone (any woman) can do it, but for some it is excruciatingly hard work.
When Ethan was born he couldn't breastfeed, we tried and tried and he mutilated me. We had several doctors come in and even more lactation consultants and even some helpful nurses. Though he looked like he was getting it he wasn't, he couldn't latch on properly. Some thought he was tongue-tied, most thought he was tongue-tied actually, everyone but his pediatrician which wouldn't allow the procedure to "un-tie" the tongue to be done. So they got me a pump and I started pumping right there in the hospital. Holy embarrassing!! I'm a very shy and modest person and to have someone shove your boob into a machine then turn it on and watch it suck your nipple that far into a tube was mortifying for me! (Not to mention stuff oozing out and people cheering about it!) I wouldn't even let Jason watch, I closed the curtain. Well since Ethan was brand new all I was getting was colostrum, I had to suck it out of the tube and feed him with a syringe, I was doing this about every two hours.
We finally went home where I had a pump that my neighbor gave me (never been used) it was a cheap one though I planned on getting a nicer double electric soon, but since the "plan" was always to breastfeed him then maybe in a month or so start pumping for a freezer stash I hadn't bought 'my' pump yet. I get home starting my pumping routine and get barely anything, though I think this is normal since my milk just came in. The next morning was pure hell. My breasts felt like huge topographical globes with ducts sticking out a half inch or so all over the place with lumps the size of golf balls. I. freaked. out. I got out of bed and tried to pump and that did nothing, I then called the Lactation Consultant, they said they were booked for the day but she would try to help me over the phone until she could see me the next day. Well I was near hysterical, though I tried not to cry on the phone, but she heard it in my voice and I'm sure knew I wouldn't make it to the next day with my sanity intact. She shifted things, called someone in and said if I came now she could see us. Well long story short, the pump I had totally sucked and I was engorged, seriously engorged. We went immediately and bought a better pump and I overflowed the collection bottles!
Well many more times of being engorged, dozens of incredibly painful clogged ducts, milk blisters, huge supplement pills and hundreds of pumping sessions later here I am! Let me tell you though, I HATED breastfeeding, absolutely hated it. I hated pumping, I hated everything about it. I had goals, the first was 6 weeks and holy moly that was the slowest 6 weeks of my life. Then it was 3 months, then 6 months and here I am now almost 8 months and still BF'ing and actually loving it! I got Ethan back on the breast around 9 weeks old and totally off pumping a couple weeks after that. It was so freeing. He didn't hurt me and it was fabulous.
I vowed not to quit on a bad day, that if I did I would most likely regret it forever, that if I had waited "one more day" it would have gotten better. Well on the good days I didn't want to quit, I loved being victorious and doing the best thing ever for my son! Though on the bad days, ohhh the bad ones, I would have given anything to rip my breasts off and throw them out the window.
Then the bomb. A month ago we went to the Dr and Ethan hadn't gained weight in two months, they are suppose to gain an ounce a day and he actually lost 4 ounces. My breast milk wasn't enough anymore. The Dr said if Ethan didn't start gaining weight it could lead to irreversible developmental problems and brain damage. It was such a huge blow, I was just stunned. I did my best not to cry as he cleared up that it was not happening now but we needed to figure out what was going on, I barely heard anything he said after that though. I go through hell to give him nothing but 'the best' just to have his Dr say, "add formula." Now I know formula is not poison and babies do great on it, that said, I DO NOT want my kid on it! I produce antibodies for him, I protect him with all the "goodies" that are made just for him, my milk changes just for his needs, it is not the same today as it was yesterday and yesterday was not the same as a month ago and so on. You don't see a damn formula can doing that!! Formula tries to imitate breast milk but can't even come close! And yet here I am, after I breastfeed him I'm having to give him formula... and now he's gaining weight. I HATE that the stupid can of powder can do more for him than I can. I hate that I am defeated. Insult to injury? Ethan is self-weaning now. He's screaming at the breast and not feeding well because he knows something easier is coming afterward and my supply is seriously suffering from it. I'm so sad about it all, and will probably be done by January if this continues. 8 months is better than nothing right? Better than six months and way better than 6 weeks which was my original goal due to the hatred and the pain. So I should be proud, but I just feel deflated and defeated. For him to be healthy he needs to gain weight, for him to gain weight he needs formula, period. All I've ever wanted was a healthy baby. I just don't know what else to say.

"When a man is pushed, tormented, defeated, he has a chance to learn something."
Ralph Waldo Emerson

"A man is not finished when he is defeated. He is finished when he quits."
Richard M. Nixon